I figure that since I rag on everyone else on here, I mine as well post a dumbass move by yours truly.
A few days ago, during work, I decided to eat 5 soft tacos from Taco Bell. Now any pharmacist knows that lunch time is much like bathroom time; a race to finish the quickest. So I inhaled those 5 soft tacos, drank about half of my large drink, and went back to work.
About 2 hours later, I had the worst cramps on the planet. My intestines decided to make a run for the border. I was hoping to just rip a loud fart (AKA a tech call, because your tech always walks right behind you no matter how quietly you fart) and be done with it.
No way, Taco Bell wasnt going without a fight. I try to go #2 in the bathroom, no go. The cramps were getting worse and worse. So I did the most drastic thing i’ve ever done in my life.
I grabbed a bottle of magnesium citrate and put it in the freezer.
Now I can see all of you retail people laughing hysterically. For those of you not in retail, Mag Citrate is what people use to clean themselves out. It usually comes in a small 10oz green bottle with a twist off lid. It comes in Lemon and Cherry flavor, but they both taste like ass. They usually produce a very explosive bowel movement. I’m not talking about soft-serve ice-cream poo, i’m talking about firehose KERPOW slop-dumping-in-toliet poo. The stuff that you dont want to do in a public restroom, because everyone present starts to giggle.
Ever play with those water rockets when you were a kid? Yanno, you fill them up with water, put them on a little air pump, and put a couple dozen PSI into them? You know how the water shoots violently out as it propels itself into the air? Well imagine that coming out of your ass. Thats Mag Citrate.
Anyhoo, the cramps are coming in waves, and after trip 4 to the potty to try to go #2 I proceed with the Mag Citrate Challenge. I dont want to take it at work, because I dont want my staff (and the rest of the store) hearing me shooting a stream of ass-slop into the toliet. So I wait until I get home.
I get home, crack open the almost frozen bottle of mag-citrate, and give it the ole college chug-a-lug. I chase it with about 16 oz of water, and prepare to turn myself inside out.
4 hours pass, and my intestines are talking to me in chinese (or maybe korean). Then, without warning, all I could say was: ‘Oh My God’ as I ran down the hallway into the restroom with my pants around my ankles.
You know that rocket I was talking about earlier? Yeah, that was me. I could of pressure washed my car with the force of the liquid that shot out of my brown eye. My insides felt like they were deflating. At this point both of my legs had gone numb from the sitting, and my ass had a hickey on it. But no, it gets better.
Imagine now small but fierce pockets of air mixed in with all of the juice. Thats right, we dont need a clean toilet here! Lets just atomize everything coming out into a fine mist and get it all over everything!
I wont even go into how much toliet paper was used to clean up this mess. All I can say is that there are some sad hippies around these parts from all the trees I used to wipe my ass.
Yeah, that was my evening.
Taco Bell – 1
The Angry Pharmacist – 0
- Paying the PBM’s to service them.
- Im dreaming of a Crackhead Christmas.
- SOMABOTS, TRANSFORM!
- A pharmacist example for non-pharmacists.
- Trying to not kill your patients.
- An open letter to my patients.
- The FDA obviously hates the public and needs to lay off the crack pipe.
- How to make your pharmacy career less painful.