Beware of the dreaded shart!

I am going to give you all a very serious warning to a very serious condition that pharmacists (and techs) are prone to.

The condition is called Shit-Fart, or Shart.  ICD9: 457.44

You see, Pharmacists/Techs are very prone to catching the dreaded shart due to the following risk factors:

  • Long periods of time standing up
  • Huge sums of coffee
  • Inability to sit down to take a poop in peace

Symptoms include:

  • Urge to release gas
  • Moist feeling in pants
  • Embarrassment
  • Putrid smell

Case Study:
A male 33 years of age is a Pharmacist assistant at a local independent pharmacy.  The patient has had an increased intake of coffee to offset the 500 rx day that he is having.  For lunch, he has woofed down nothing but dried fruit and coffee.  Whilst working, he feels an urge to release some built up colonic pressure.  He walks over to the back of the pharmacy (where all the creams are) and proceeds to let one fly as gingerly as possible.  The sound resembles something between a juicy floorboard squeek and a coffee percolator.  Immediately the patient experiences a warm humid sensation in his bottom region quickly followed by a cooling down sensation and moistness.  The patient quickly hurries to the restroom where he has confirmed the differential diagnosis of crapping his pants (AKA Shart).

Guidelines for the treatment of ‘Shart’:

  • You will know, because your butt-area will get very warm, then very cold and wet.
  • DONT PANIC!  Initially, nobody will know that you have crapped your drawers.  Shouting “OH FUCK I THINK I JUST SHIT MY PANTS” will just draw attention to your butt-leakage and result in humiliation and an influx of phone calls to prolong treatment.
  • Proceed immedately to the nearest restroom after finishing Rx or patient consultation.
  • If you have confirmed Sharting yourself (either by seeing the butt-paste run down your legs, or the evidence of a tractor-trailer doing doughnuts in your tighty-whities):
    • If you are wearing briefs, remove said briefs (they would have contained the episode) and dispose in nearest trash receptor.  Be a good citizen and take said trash receptacle out for the sake of your coworkers.
    • If you are wearing boxers
      • If force of anal explosion has spackled only the back of your boxers, jump for joy and proceed as outlined above with briefs
      • If force of anal explosion has not spackled the back of your boxers, yet allowed poo to run down the backs of your legs, contain the spillage as best as possible.  Absolute worst case is stainage of nice slacks with poo-poo-juice upon which you must leave work to change.
        • If you have a white coat, pray that the butt-juice did not stain it.  UOP would be angry that you sharted all over the white coat that so many alumni gifted to you yet could not be there for the ceremony.
    • If you have a phone call waiting and cannot fully clean up
      • Abort the undergarments as fast as you can in the trash
      • Create a ‘male tampon’ or Manpon
        • Take 6 to 7 squares (but no more than 10) of toilet tissue
        • Fold neatly in half
        • Place between buttcheeks
        • Smile at the ingenious way to catch butt-moisture
  • Emerge from the restroom with the appearance that nothing is wrong.  Say you are “taking out the trash”.  If employees question your sudden act of kindness, remind them that you are a pharmacist and have taken classes in patient care and cultural competency.
  • If your fellow employees mention that you have just shit your pants
    • Deny it.
    • Check back of pants for butt-leakage runoff marks
    • Deny it again
    • Go home for lunch
    • Ignore the comment that you have changed pants after lunch and insist they were just unobservant.
    • Point at nearest tech and said “SHE DID IT”
    • Hide the fact that you just took 2 Lomotil

Together, we can help education and put an end to this terrible, terrible condition.

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22 Comments

  1. The CookieMaker says:

    I was saved from rolling on the floor laughing only by the fact that my chair has arms on it. Bravo, that I am going to share this public service announcement

  2. PharmGamerKid says:

    rotflmao. that’s really really funny! that really make my extremely depressing cramming session a little more tolerable.

  3. thatguy says:

    Tip of the hat, sir. One of the best damn laughs I have had in a while.

  4. Pharmacy Hell says:

    At last, the juicy fart has an ICD9 code! Gotta lay off them prunes.

  5. PSAO Guy says:

    Been there, done that, but didn’t know the technical term for it. I feel so…. educated all of a sudden!

  6. RJS says:

    This should have its own Wikipedia entry.

  7. Shalom (R.Ph.) says:

    Of course the second thing that came to mind on reading this was the last few seconds of Sidney S. Brown’s infamous 1940 recording, “The First International Crepitation Contest”. [1]
    Regarding “* Take 6 to 7 squares (but no more than 10) of toilet tissue” (ETC.)
    That’s rather uncomfortable, but I know of a better way:
    Save all those wads of cotton that you yank out of stock bottles. Of course it has to be real cotton, not that fiberglass crap they’ve been using recently. Should one be unfortunate enough to have a Xenical Incident, or similar, this will help prevent embarrassment. Some of the wholesalers even stock this stuff in rolls (Kinray #945-246, for example) although it’s rather more expensive than you’d expect. Get the non-sterile by preference, it’s softer.
    (I posted this suggestion to Angriest’s blog once. He thought I was joking, but I wasn’t.)
    [1] Skip this if you haven’t heard the record yet. “{pfwap} Ohh, he shits!! The champion has been disqualified!!”
    Shalom

  8. I will NEVER read your stuff at work again. I know the folks in the other offices think I am choking to death up here with all my snorting and carrying on.
    I just hope I can get out the door at 5 without them noticing I peed myself.

  9. RxTechKim says:

    OMG! *wipes tears from eyes* My husband is in the other room asking what the hell is so funny! You have a way with words, TAP!!!

  10. Jory says:

    I am proud to say that I shall use the word Manpon at least once a day

  11. Benedict says:

    Or it could have been all that Orlistat said Pharmacist had been using just before last night’s curry.
    In the US the OTC version of Orlistat is called Alli – makes me think of Alli-oops
    Cheers
    Benedict

  12. mo says:

    Ah so now there is a ICD9 code, can you get medicaid to cover for me 30 boxers to be used qd every month? BTW i prefer only the Banana Republic Brand! Only the best if its funded by the government :)

  13. rph3664 says:

    When I took a retail job, one of my friends said, “Get an indwelling catheter with a leg bag.” Our pharmacy had a bathroom in it, so that wasn’t necessary.

  14. Tish says:

    Thanks for the laughs!

  15. A says:

    LOL I’ve never actually had a shart but I’ve had close calls and this is pretty much exactly how it goes down for me too

  16. Chris says:

    Had to wipe away the tears to see what I was typing! LOL.. Bravo

  17. druggist2 says:

    Damn- You almost put my wife in the hospital.
    I showed her your “essay” and she laughed so hard
    I thought she had fractured a rib.
    Keep up the good work.

  18. Dijea says:

    This was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. I will be back for more.
    I have a friend who is a pharmacist and I have to ask – is this you?

  19. Ariadne says:

    Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in ages. I’m still wiping tears away from my eyes. This was priceless, simply priceless.
    I’m a paramedic, and Sharts are the bane of my profession too. I’m going to print this out and post it on the station wall.
    Thank you!

  20. Angie says:

    My cheeks are hurting and I am so glad I’m alone in the house or else someone would have called 911 thinking I’d finally lost it. Going to send to a cousin who will appreciate it as much as I do.

  21. BlakeRx says:

    Comedy gold, TAP. Thanks for the laugh!

  22. […] First and foremost, I would like to thank The Angry Pharmacist for his insight into the containment and consequences of the “shart”. […]

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