Dealing with Crotchfruit and Loindroppings

I support the stereotypical platonic family. Husband, Wife, 3.4 children, white picket fence, all that June Cleaver crap. I also support the whole foreign idea of having well behaved children.

I realize that children will be, well, children and run around with 500 tons of energy. However please allow your children to do that at your HOME or OUTSIDE, and not in my store.

I cannot count how many times I’ve wanted to throw a full bottle of Prometh-DM at some rug rat who is scaling my candy rack like some mountain climber to get to the Snickers bars. Now I understand that kids will do stupid stuff, like try to rearrange my shelves into small forts of Tylenol, or knock down all the Salon-Pas patches like dominoes. If the mother screams at the child and looks at me, I just smile and shrug as they try to half-ass undo the damage that their child has done. No harm, no foul, obviously the earrings we have for sale were worth the 5 second lapse in the continuous attention that your child requires to keep out of trouble.

BUT, when the mother just looks at the child tearing apart my shelves and ignores him (its never a her, the child is always a him) thats when I feel my hand grip around that bottle of Prometh-DM (or any other heavy bottle I can get my hands on) and the targeting computers lock onto the mothers face.

Now I know that I’m going to get flak from my readers, but its almost always the male children who get away with murder. I’m not sure if its a cultural thing, but you don’t see me driving to your house and tearing your shit off of your shelves while screaming my head off because you took the candy out of my chubby little fingers. As much as you may disagree, this is not your home country, and here children have to BEHAVE and not DESTROY things while you meekly watch from afar.

To make matters worse, its never 1 child. Oh no. In this day and age, the solution for not being able to control one over-rambunctious child is to drop out 4 more all within 10 months of each other. When that doesn’t work, bring them to some quack ass MD who will “diagnose” them all with ADD (read: the mother cant deal with them all) and load them up with Tenex and Ritalin/Adderall.

I think its time for some angry examples of what to do when the little poopers drive you to drink:

  • So whats one to do as you are watching some mother stare idly into space as their 2 or 3 children run laps around the store and tear stuff off of the shelves. Well, If the father is there also staring idling around now would be a good time to show the world what bad parents they are by YELLING AT THEIR FUCKING KIDS FOR THEM. Thats right. Usually a quick sharp “HEY” will get their attention as the father (if his head is full of brains instead of just testicle juice) will realize his kids are pissing off the pharmacist and round them up/quiet them down. If that doesn’t work then you can politely ask them to control their children as you raise their price on their medications. If you still get the cow-eyes, then crumple up their prescriptions they brought in, throw them at their children, and tell them to get the fuck out.
  • Sometimes they are laying on the floor bellowing out a sonic attack so loud and powerful that it flings your stock vials onto the floor. 99% of the time you are on the phone with a doctor, or someone important whom you can barely hear or understand. The proven solution to this is to put the caller on mute/hold, and tell them to QUIET DOWN because you are ON THE PHONE. Once I’ve been so pissed off at some mother who is letting the child throw a tantrum for 10 min while I’m trying to get discharge orders on the phone that a F-bomb slipped out. Seriously, don’t let your child throw a tantrum on the floors of the pharmacy. If you wish for them to throw one outside or in the comfort of the parking lot (where they can get squished) then that’s your call.
  • As I’ve posted before, I have stopped giving mothers warnings that their child has pushed open the outside doors and have left the store. Yeah, call me a bad person, but I figure that if you can’t watch your children then that’s your fault not mine. I don’t get a fatty welfare check for raising that sex-trophy, so its not my responsibility. All I do is to make sure you know how to measure 1 teaspoon of amoxicillin, understand that 3 times a day means 3 times a day, and shake/refrigerate/use all up. I had nothing to do with you opening your legs to that random guy in the bar, that’s all your doing.

Behave your children, please. Its hard enough for us to work in the back with the continuous interruptions, phone calls, techs talking, computer noises and other shit going on without your “sweet & innocent” placenta-blossom throwing a 20 min fucking tantrum because you wouldn’t buy him a candy bar. Remember, we need to work so you don’t have to.

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35 Comments

  1. longtimereader says:

    Mostly agree, however, as a mother with normally-active small children, when I’m stuck standing in a line with them and look over at a candy tower PURPOSLY stuck at CHILD LEVEL in order to to sell more candy, don’t expect me to care if the kiddos tear the shit to shreds. My usual response is something along the lines of “we’re not buying any, but have fun digging all you want!”
    If you have children someday, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Try standing with any 4 and 6 year old next to the mountain of candy and tell them to behave…Retailers stick all that shit down there where the kids can get at it for a reason (to whine parents into buying it). Put the candy up where they can’t see it. There! I solved your problem!

  2. I worked for an electronics retailer and they get these same people. It seems that all the money they save by getting meds on public assistance gets them nice TVs.
    Several years ago at one location the parents let their kid run around the store. The kid clinbed on top of a TV stand. At the time tube TVs were still out. While the kid was on the TV he over balanced and brought the 500lb TV on him. He didn’t make it and the company got sued. If the parents controlled their kid he’d be alive but they wouldn’t have the money.

  3. Sofia says:

    “Sometimes they are laying on the floor bellowing out a sonic attack so loud and powerful that it flings your stock vials onto the floor.”
    Seriously though, I will never understand how some parents are just not embarrassed when this happens. Are they proud, perhaps, that their child can shatter peoples’ eardrums who are within 20 feet? It’s also incredibly rude to just let them do it and not drag them outside, like you said. If I were another customer, it’d be like a big “screw you” if I saw a parent letting their kid carry on like that in public.
    In case I sound really hateful, I do love kids when they’re well-behaved. Who doesn’t?

  4. Novawolf says:

    A-fucking-men! When I was a kid, this kind of thing was met with a swift swat to the backside. Of course, discipline is forbidden nowadays, and too many “parents” just plain don’t care. They’ll think differently when their little darlings are carrying on so that it causes the pharmacist to make a mistake.

  5. PharmAd4Lyfe says:

    I’ve always found there are two excellent solutions to this.
    1.) Work at a chain you despise so when shit gets ripped off the shelf, you don’t care. If the company isn’t looking out for the RPh and pharmacy personnel (ie, Let’s do $20 transfer gift cards every month! It’s Thanksgiving, let’s give out Turkey’s for new pharmacy customers!, other bullshit thought up by marketing people with their heads up their asses, etc…), then it’s not your job to look out for the company.
    2.) Plexiglass. Pleas bring back my fucking plexiglass. This “open pharmacy” movement to make the pharmacist “more accessible” is just a fancy buzzword from some asshat who thinks MTM is pharmacy’s savior. I want nice thick plexiglass so I can see the druggie coming in, but I don’t have to hear him, or the little old lady, or the 15 welfare children, or the asshole guy who’s bitching that you don’t have the right deodorant.
    When my pharmacy was “redesigned” they removed my plexiglass and that was teh day I went from being angry, to being totally disgruntled. 1.) I don’t want to hear all the bullshit in the store, 2.) I counsel patients who need it, 3.) If they have a question they can come up to my poorly re-designed, non-private counseling area and… gasp… *ask to speak to the pharmacist*
    Maybe the AMA will start going with “Open Physician Offices” so everyone can get a clear shot of my cornhole when I’m getting my prostate examined.
    Grrr….
    PS, as a rant request, if you too hate Community Pharmacy “Residencies,” (ie, lazy PharmD students who don’t want to do honest work for their money), please let loose on them.

  6. Teresa says:

    I would just like to say a big “Thank You” for your blog. After spending 18 years as a Pharmacy Technician, I now work on the other side to help independent pharmacies by dealing with the PBMs for them. You say what I believe all or most pharmacists and techs want to say. I feel your pain from the addicts to the unruly kids. Please continue to express “our” feelings.
    Thanks!!!

  7. Twizzer says:

    You are so spot on it’s not even funny. Breeders be damned!

  8. Denise Rosenfeld says:

    This rocks. So true. Thanks.

  9. Google Account says:

    TAP,
    You said it. My friend works at a pharmacy, and he had this prime example. Five sex trophys running around when reaching the 11th prescription on medicaid. Had to give up the birth control for methadone. He considered giving the BC on the house.

  10. Jean Poole says:

    Thank You! You just spoke my mind, though I deal with it from t’other side of the counter. Have in the past felt the strong urge to drop kick the welfspawn through the goalposts of fail.
    This was an especially urgent need a year or so ago during an uninsured spell that came with a layoff & subesquent wait for insurance to kick in at the next job I got about 3 weeks post layoff. And for about six months I was in that drop kick mood everytime I had to go to the phamly pharm and pay thru the snout for that which keeps me functional – because (as the nice state-o-tron lady told me when I asked about maybe getting a little assist) I “dint ha chirren” – as if it were a crime to be a responsible taxpayer and non-breeder.
    Anyhow, I really enjoy the blog – as an avid patron of the phamly pharm in my neck o the woods it’s also given me a better understanding of the phine pharm hands who have cared for me so well for the past 10 1/2 years at the same spot.
    And my pharmacist reads & enjoys your blog too!
    JP

  11. Tessa says:

    Your blog is great! I don’t blame you for being pissed at most of the free world. One of my best friend’s is a pharmacist, and she has many of the same issues.
    On little phuckers in the pharmacy- Last week I went to pick up some meds. As I was waiting in line the brats belonging to the woman in front of me were tearing up the books on display at the side of the counter. Mom said nothing. Once the line moved and I was closer to them, I told them to leave the books alone and that their mom wouldn’t want to have to pay for books they might destroy. Mom turned around, glared at me, and then made her hellions stand beside of her. I taught school for 10 years. I have no problem telling other people’s kids to behave.
    Have a great day! :)

  12. James says:

    Sort of makes you feel a little better about the ONE customer that has a profile full of prescribed plan B they managed to get fully paided by the state, doesn’t it? Or the random women with that look of shame walks in all nervous and asks “…. do you sell plan b?” and your friendly smile drops for a quick second before you recompose yourself, clear your throat, and say “uh.. yes!” and walk to go get it.

  13. rph3664 says:

    What’s even worse are the mothers (almost always; fathers rarely seem to do this) who are on a cell phone or their Bluetooth nonstop, and pay no attention to the rugrat standing next to her. Who has so many friends that they make that many phone calls, and if they do, why aren’t they ever seen with them?
    When I worked in retail, I had a customer like this; she would come into the grocery store EVERY SINGLE DAY with her son, and yes indeedy, one day she dropped off prescriptions for Ritalin and Risperdal (FOR A FIVE YEAR OLD) from that doctor who diagnoses ADD for the asking (every town has at least one). I called the office and told them about the mom’s cell phone behavior, and they told us she did that in the office too, but what could they do? Granted, maybe he did have ADD but he definitely had PADD (parental attention deficit disorder). The woman was married but I never saw her husband.
    Just yesterday, I was on a nursing board and mentioned that when thalidomide was OTC in Europe, some parents gave that to their kids if they were being annoying to sedate them for a while, and before that it was opium or paregoric.
    Of course I don’t know where you live, but I RARELY see children around here being really disruptive and destructive, and when they are, the parents often act worse than the kids. And the people you describe in your blog post are the type that the people on that nursing board said fled Hurricane Ike with their Ipod and cell phone and chargers, but not the kid’s insulin, and they can’t afford a $3 copay but they can always find money to buy vodka.

  14. Dear TAP,
    You make me laugh out loud, as usual. Testicle-juice (I agree, should be hyphenated, LOL), loindroppings….these graphic adjectives are picturesque. I would definitely pay admission to see you as a night club comic, specifically directed toward TAP rants with which we all can identify.
    P.S. I need your advice. Who will be better or friendlier to the pharmacy profession in office, Obama or McCain? Thanks ahead…
    Sabrina

  15. The day is coming closer when I’m out in public and I hear a child’s unreproved, repetitive, ear-splitting scream, and say the following:
    “Sir–Madam–when I was a child (1950s), if I EVER behaved in public the way you allow your children to behave, I only did it once.”

  16. supermarket pharm says:

    this is so accurate!!!!! now just imagine being in a grocery store trying to work… and all the kids want donuts, candy, ice cream and etc!

  17. one_angry_tech says:

    Yes, it near warms me heart to know I help support these lil buggers, and get them their overrides for OTC Vitamins while I get NO support my ONE and hope to god ONLY bugger.. yes, I feel so good inside..
    Seriously, how the hell could anyone handle 3 monsters like that? I love my daughter to death, but gad, she gets to me, and seeing as I can barely afford her, there is no way in hell I’m gonna have any more kids.. oh yeah.. I don’t live off the system and actually work.. my bad, how could I forget?

  18. rx chick says:

    i love it. reading it makes me feel just as good as if i were ranting about it myself.

  19. DrugtheWorld says:

    Try to hide some mousetraps in your candy racks and shelves. That shall do the magic.

  20. TAP…Love this post. Sorry I am such a boring commentor. I always start off with “love this post.” Sigh. What can I say? You are fabulous. So I laughed and cackled all on my own, and then I read it aloud to Mr. Lipstick and we laughed and cackled together. We even howled some too.

  21. t-money says:

    Are you a republican by any chance? The problem we have in my store is kids handing on the little rope, that marks the line that people are supposed to stand behind(they never actually do), so that I can give somewhat, not really, private consults. Problem is, the rope is attached to two very heavy little pole things, and it isn’t designed to support any weight in the middle. So one of these days when the parents are completely ignoring their kids being little bastars, one of them is gonna get squashed. Should make for a good story

  22. dragonfly says:

    One of my favourite cafes has a sign saying “uncontrolled children will be given 2 double espressos and a free puppy when they go”.

  23. Cathy Lane RPh says:

    Our hospital filled ER (out-patient) scripts at one time and I recall one little, obnoxious, but observant twerp in the waiting area telling me that my mouth was small like a mouse and my teeth were too close together. As the intern entered through the door the little guy ran into the pharmacy, and it was quite a consternation to see my big burly student chasing around the pharmacy stock shelves, picking area, etc. On reflection, years after interactions with my own observant children (and yes, sometimes obnoxious), I wonder that the tactic of speaking directly with the children would’ve worked. Although it might’ve been a switch to change into kid conversation mode, to say ‘look, I’m trying to make sure that what I’m doing is done right so that this person can get better, and you’re distracting me. If you don’t stop and sit quietly over there, I’m going to ask your folks to take you out so that I can do this job’. And, if the kid doesn’t calm down, go through with what you said you’d do. I think it’d be a clear exercise in training to take control, as well as give the kid some direction of what is expected–never mind attempting to ‘teach’ the errant parent. I’ll try this next time! Hmmm. Thanks for bringing this subject up TAP.

  24. Sean says:

    May I suggest Tussionex bottle???

  25. neumeindil says:

    Amen! Though here, and I guess this is a little odd, 80% of the time it’s not the P.A. family Stork Droppings that cause the problems. When it comes to destructive or otherwise dangerous behavior (we have a blood pressure machine), it’s the middle and upper middle class parents who manage to completely ignore their litter until one of them starts shrieking that his arm is stuck… again, because of course he’s the same one that did it last time and GOD FORBID the little Prom Souvenir learn the hard way from only one attempt.
    Our “privacy” ropes are actually tapes that slide into slots on the other supports. They’ve gotta be 30 pounds each at least, and they’re apparently LOTS of fun to pull out for a few feet and let whip back against the post at full speed. When I see this, the parent gets 3 chances to correct its offspring, after which point the Scary Mean Lady behind the counter (that would be me) says simply “Gentlemen, those are NOT toys. Thank you.” If me growling at them doesn’t work, usually the parent will say something, or be done with its transaction and call them to heel. If the kids behave properly the next time they come in, I dig out the coloring books and stickers. (But I’ve only been doing this a little over a year; I haven’t lost all hope for humanity yet.)

  26. Google Account says:

    I have two little “sweeties” of my own, and let me tell you–I am horrified when they act up, so I’ve learned to LEAVE THEM AT HOME whenever possible, and when not possible, I have my hands on them at all times, and I shrug my shoulders and frown in agony at the poor people forced to hear their rants. When kids like mine are on the other side of my counter, (and understand that my kids are not that bad, but I was raised that kids should be seen not heard, and still live under the delusion that this is possible) I want to throw the bottle at their parents. I understand kids will be kids, too, but just give a damn! Just look at me with an “I’m sorry their acting up” look and grab them up so they can’t do more damage. If you can’t do this, close your legs, stop breeding, and get the heck out of my store. The problem is with the parents–and some of them need a more permanent time out!

  27. rph3664 says:

    Sean, do you mean the Tussionex bottle itself, or its contents?
    Maybe my post about this didn’t go through, but sometimes you DO get screamers who are autistic, mentally retarded, or have some other condition that isn’t obvious by looking at them and has nothing to do with misbehaving. If the parents don’t think it’s cute, it’s the child.

  28. KDUBZ says:

    How dare you tell me how to discipline my children. The nerve you have to think it is easy, back in your little roped off corner of the world! Naw, just playin! When I see kids like that I want to call my parents and thank them for all the times they slapped me upside the head. I now realize that they were doing me a favor. These kids are in for a rude awakening when they get jobs where their boss is not going to give a shit about their “self-expression.”

  29. Juniper says:

    “Amen! Though here, and I guess this is a little odd, 80% of the time it’s not the P.A. family Stork Droppings that cause the problems.”
    Yeah, there are the ones who have kid after kid after kid after kid not because “the government will provide!!!” but because “God will provide!!!” or “my husband will provide!!!” and she hasn’t yet reached the limits of her church’s congregation’s help and/or her husband’s income.
    “Sort of makes you feel a little better about the ONE customer that has a profile full of prescribed plan B they managed to get fully paided by the state, doesn’t it? Or the random women with that look of shame walks in all nervous and asks ‘…. do you sell plan b?’ and your friendly smile drops for a quick second before you recompose yourself, clear your throat, and say ‘uh.. yes!’ and walk to go get it.”
    Hey, these are the women who *don’t* want to spawn more crotchfruit and loindroppings. Your friendly smile should broaden, not drop, when you’re asked if you sell Plan B or any other birth control! :)

  30. Gia says:

    If I thought my father would shell out the money for a domain, I could swear he wrote this.

  31. jennifer says:

    as a fellow childfree person, you are my hero. and as a chronically sick person who visits the pharmacy on a fairly regular basis, i REALLY wish you were my pharmacist. there’s nothing worse than feeling like shit and having trouble walking and having to trip over the crotch goblins on my way to the pharmacy to pick up meds, while listening to their freakish shrieks and squeals.
    you rock.

  32. desdemmonna.livejournal.com says:

    Thank you for posting this. I am not a pharmacist but I have health issues that end up with at least a monthly visit to my local drug store and I’ve had to stand in line and deal with unruly children of parents that can’t or won’t discipline them.

  33. Bill says:

    God why can’t everyone think like you!

  34. AnotherRxTech says:

    Damn, that’s serious ammunition. Prometh-DM bottles aren’t f-ing around. Good choice. 😉

  35. As a single childless black male, try living with your sister, who’s pregnant with her second crotchfruit, and the first one toddling around getting his hands on everything (INCLUDING MY external hard drive, laptop, and anything else thats MINE.)

    I can’t fucking stand crotchfruit.

    Then i go to the local Panera to get away from the damned screaming, and there’s MORE crotchfruit running around. I can’t deal. Leave your damn fruits at home, for a change.

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