We wish you a merry Crackmas!

Here are a few things that I have written to celebrate the overly-medicated holiday season:

The 12 days of Crackmas:

On the twelfth day of Crackmas, my pharmy sent to me: Twelve Prior Auths,
On the eleventh day of Crackmas, my pharmy sent to me: Eleven Screaming Patients,
On the tenth day of Crackmas, my pharmy sent to me: Ten Grape Drank,
On the ninth day of Crackmas, my pharmy sent to me: Nine Viagra,
On the eighth day of Crackmas, my pharmy sent to me: Eight Valium,
On the seventh day of Crackmas, my pharmy sent to me: Seven Tussionex,
On the sixth day of Crackmas, my pharmy sent to me: Six Xanax,
On the fifth day of Crackmas, my pharmy sent to me: Five VIKE-O-DAN,
On the forth day of Crackmas, my pharmy sent to me: Four DAN soma,
On the third day of Crackmas, my pharmy sent to me: Three OC 80’s,
On the second day of Crackmas, my pharmy sent to me: Two Percocet,
And a pissed off Pharmacist!

The night before Crackmas:

Twas the night before Crackmas, when all thro’ the store
Not a creature was stirring, except the neighborhood whore;
The C2 were locked up in the safe with care,
In hope that St. CrackClaus soon would be there;
The crackheads were all asleep and unconscious in their beds,
While visions of Suboxone danc’d in their heads,
And my tech in her smock and I with a frown,
Had just put my 5th of Jack Daniels down –
When out in front of the store arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my ranting to see what was the matter.
Away to the gates I flew like a flash,
To see that toothless whore pocket some cash.
The spunk on the breast of the happy hooker,
Even in my drunken haze she was not a good looker;
When, what to my wondering eyes should I see,
But a minitature crackhead and eight 80mg OC’s,
With his bottles of pills and not a tooth in his maw,
I knew for a moment it must be St CrackClaus.
More rapid than a crackhead spending his cash on the first,
He yelled and stammered and threw me a curse:
“Now! Vicodin, now! Soma, now! Xanax and Diazepam!
“On! Suboxone, on! Percocet, on! Oxycontin and Lorazepam!
Since TAP is tired of translating this long rhyme,
He will wish you all a good Xmas, and to have a good time!

Merry Christmas to All!  May all your early refill wishes come true!

Im leaving town right now, will it be ready in 10?

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10 Comments

  1. PharmIntern says:

    Absolutely BEAUTIFUL. <3<3<3

    Merry Christmas to you and yours, TAP!

  2. C says:

    Thank you for being there to answer my questions about how much Tylenol or Motrin my kid can take and to put up with all the BS. For all the people who complain about wait times-they should be forced to wait in a military pharmacy, with an hour or more wait and no one who cares about their little and loud complaints. Especially when you’re sitting next to an Iraq war vet with one leg and burn scars on his face.

  3. Dr. Grumpy says:

    Have a good holiday, my friend.

  4. Rivalry says:

    Epic, haha. Merry Christmas TAP!

  5. DDave says:

    So now that you have your Christmas post all taken care of, I think it’s time for your New Year’s Resolution. Hmmm, what shall it be? Perhaps TAP’s New Years Resolution is to faithfully post once a week – twice a month at the very least – – – Swearing off two month lapses like a VIKE-O-DAN addict swearing off opiates – only you’ll really mean it! So, how ’bout it? TAP’s New Years resolution is…

  6. cvs drone says:

    Thanks for the xmas post! I work at a 24/7 pharmacy you wouldn’t belive the shit I had to put up with today. merry fricking Christmas! Btwn the assholes asking if we were open when I answered the phone and the idiots who think I can transfer their xanax when their pharmacy is closed I thought I might slam someones face into the counter! Thanks for the post made my night!

  7. RaeAnn says:

    Shouldnt your rant be about all the ignorant Doctors who oh so losely prescribe narcotics like candy and getting the addictive, addictives, addicted. Customer service is your job, so lay down your “bottle” and shut the hell up and do your damn job. Alchy

  8. Tara says:

    number one i think this is uncalled for. there are tons of people on pain medications for legitimate reasons and are not addicted to the medications. Number two i am prescribed the so called miracle drug named subutex and have went from 24mg daily down to 4mg daily. you are supposed to be in this business to help people, not to criticize what they are taking to better their lives and their health. It is because of people like you that some people will not go to the doctor and get a prescription that they need for fear that they will have to deal with ignorant people like you.

  9. nurse says:

    hi, I came across ur site because I am a nurse that was thinking of becoming a pharmacist. I just wanted to reply because ur post were ridiculous. Nurses are the support beam in any facility and we keep it together with a crazy amount of wheels turning , u would break first day. your good at math and science and not people obviously, not to mention judgmental to people u only know on paper. Its not your job to believe them, that’s a physicians job, urs is to fill the script safely. your job is pills and u like it that way, that’s why u didn’t become a doctor. in the future don’t stress your out about why or what .leave those questions the the nurses and doc .who actually touch the patients ,and just fill the script.

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