I’ve always wanted to speak at a pharmacy school graduation. Give my thoughtful insight of my many years in the trenches of a profession that is going down the shitter faster than that burrito I had on cinco-de-mayo. If I ever received the privilege of talking to a classroom full of new graduates and their parents, it would go something like this (before the school snipers took me out).
Fellow graduates, family members, and friends. We are gathered here today to celebrate a special person in your life and their accomplishments in recieving their Doctorate of Pharmacy degree from this wonderful instution. Before you, in their regal cap and gowns, are your professors, who have worked day and night to mold the clay that you came in as into something that will help people. Well ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you how this shit is going to go down once you enter the real world.
Look around you. Go ahead, look around you. Those smiling faces will be bitching at you as to why you are taking so long to fill their fucking prescription. They will pester you on the phone about stupid shit like the price of condoms as your tech is texting his fucking girlfriend about the parking-lot blowjob he just received (nod to BKBJ, sorry I made your vagina sandy at work, pussy) while the backlog is out the fucking door. See grandma over there? Shes proud of you now, but will demand you cater to every one of her fucking drug needs at this very moment, want free delivery after you have been on your feet for 10 hours, and make you special order the blue ones instead of the pink ones. Oh, and she’ll say “I never paid last month” when she has; EVERY FUCKING MONTH. Your uncle will be too stupid to have the Rx numbers, but will gladly call in “the pink ones, and the capsules that help him pee”. Oh, and your parents? They will want “all my regular meds” and make you RTS all but the pain pills.
Your professors smugly sitting over there haven’t work a retail job since Lozol was trade name only. Sure they can recite the pages from Lexi, but throw an angry patient in front of them and they cry to administration. Maybe one day you can fill the heads of students with knowledge and not any practical retail skills. Get working on that.
The “hard work” that you have accomplished with your royal sash of dark green is worth $1.50/Rx to the insurance companies. Its worth even less to your employer that demand you fill 500 a day by yourself without the luxury of a lunch. Oh, sure, they say you can take a lunch, if you want to get dinged on your metrics and be out of a job. From here on out you go from student to the bitch of your employer, and the bitch of your patients.
You, in the back, stop your sniveling. Yes, I know you just wasted $100k on an education, but its not MY fucking fault you haven’t stepped foot in a pharmacy until you graduated. Moving on.
To those uppity students smugly smiling that you got a ‘residency’, prepare to be a doctors bitch. Yeah, they will treat you like an ‘equal’ to your face, but you’ll just be their walking drug reference book and get made fun of in the lounge. You’ll run the clinics that they don’t want to deal with and think you’re getting a good deal. You’ll be walked all over by attendings and residents because you’re just a PharmD and they are an MD. You’ll go to sleep at night with the feeling of “at least I’m not in retail, but I should of went to med school.” You will live life as a “should have”.
Lets all cut the bullshit. You didn’t go into pharmacy because you want to “help people” like those smiling idiots in APhA magazines, you did it for the fucking $100k/year salary. Well I’m sorry to say, but a lot of professions make $100k a year, and that ship sailed without you about 3 years ago when you stepped foot on this campus. Looking down on all of you, it reminds me of that time I visited the slaughterhouse. All those cows walking in a single line unknowing that their life was about to get really shitty really quickly.
In closing, I would like to take a second to reflect on all the hard work you have done to further your career, and cheerfully remind you that I am at least 10 years ahead of you to retiring, if you make it to retirement age, with the MI you’ll have in 15 years. Pray its a stroke, one that kills you quickly, at work, in front of a crowd, so your employer can get sued. You’ll laugh and think I’m wrong now, but in about 10 years you’ll be singing my praises. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Thanks.
All joking aside, I really do with our new grads the best of luck as you enter into our profession (you’ll need it). Its good to have you in the family, because misery LOVES company.
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