Cleanup on aisle 4.. now 5… oh damn.

So life has been slow around the Angry Pharmacy.  Same crackheads, same rants, same bullshit.  Hence why the posts have been really slowing down.  I’m going to throw in a funny post in the midst of bitching how pharmacy is going to be ruined by Express Scripts and MediCal for your enjoyment.

Now there is something really unique about me.  I have an uncanny supernatural ability to keep a straight face.  Doesn’t matter how loud someone blows a fart, or if I’m consulting on how far up your vagoo you need to shove that monistat 7 applicator (Uh, to the hilt baby, fish that fucker out with your fingertips!) I wont crack a smile, or laugh, or do anything but be Mr Professional.

In fact, its a rite of passage in the Angry Pharmacy for new employees that while they are helping a patient, I rip the loudest, rumblest, most wet sounding fart I can muster with the pot of coffee in me, then stand there looking over the very top of my monitor to what happens out front.  Ive learned that if you pretend you didn’t hear it, they patients don’t think you did it (or they are hearing things).  The seasoned employees quickly turn around to “check on the bags” or to do something while they laugh to themselves while the newbie sits there staring the patient in the face wondering what the fuck just happened.  I don’t care if its fucking unprofessional, coffee makes you fart and its better to let it rip than to hold it in and end up blowing ass-chowder later on during the day when you’re up to your armpits in new prescriptions.  A few times this has backfired on me and I actually shit my pants in the store, but even the best have a bad day.

Anyway.

It was winter, cold, damp, winter.  The day previous I stayed late with a few of my clerks to mop the floor out front.  I was pretty proud about how clean we got the floors.  That was karma warning me my day was about to get a whole lot worse.

There had been a bug going around town that caused a sudden urge to puke your guts out.  Some call it the stomach flu, I call it CHA-CHING the price of compazine just went up!  The store was absolutely full of idiots with Z-Pak prescriptions for their colds.  Im not sure why I decided to look up from my usual 1000 yard stare into my monitor trying to decypher a stupid insurance reject, but I remember the guy plain as day.  The glazed over look in his eyes, and the urgency that he must cut everyone off and march up to the front of the line.  He ran to the front, and waved the prescription in my clerk’s face like it was a winning lotto ticket.

“Can you please fill this for me right now, I dont fee-BLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.”

For a second, time stopped as I saw pancake batter consistancy vomit erupt from the mans face, and plop down onto the counter.  The clerk jumped back like a snake was going to bite her vagina and threw me the prescription as the vomit was making a perfect large pancake pattern on top of the counter in front of him.  I scanned the room as the chatter of pharmacy died down to an eery silence.  Vomiting is contagious, and I looked with almost childlike glee to see who would start to dry heave.  To my dismay, everyone covered their faces and eyes and no chain-puking took place.  I was disappointed.

I looked at the prescription that had been clutched so tightly that it was nothing more than a ball of clumped moist paper.  Compazine tablets.  I decide to take matters into my own hands and change the tablets to suppositories, since I’m sure the floor doesn’t need any Compazine, and thats where these tablets were headed if he put them in his pancake-batter dispenser.

The poor man got a free garbage can and was on his way sitting down when another wave of heaves took their toll.  The sound I heard after that (over the heaving) I can replay it in my head 1000 times, but its hard to put into words.  The closest thing I can say is that if you percolated air through thick chocolate pudding and muffled it with a pillow.  Thats what I heard.  Oh, and I used chocolate pudding for a reason, because thats the consistancy of what now filled the poor mans pants.

At that point the entire store was in horror.  Me, being a compassionate caring pharmacist, was sorta pissed off that my ingenious suppository switch was in vain.  Tablets go in, tablets go out.  Suppository goes in, suppository gets shot out.  I seriously couldn’t win.

The poor man eventually left with suppositories in hand, and 2 free garbage bags to take with him on his journey home.  The bucket, gloves, mop, and squeegee came out to clean up the mess, and life went on as usual.

If you work retail, this will eventually happen to you.  Mark my words, your floor will be a magnet for vomit and poop.  Not just any poop, usually old people poop or little kid poop (that they like to step in afterwards and track all over the pharmacy while the mother ignores them while texting her baby-daddy).

It always happens after you stay late to mop the floor.  Every. Single. Fucking. Time.

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35 Comments

  1. PA WV RPH says:

    You forgot about the gems who manage to make it to the bathroom in time, but give in to their instincts that are telling them to smear it all over the walls.

    I know of at least two employees who quit on the spot when they were told that they needed to clean up the aftermath of that, um, scat-tastrophe.

  2. fmaon06 says:

    Omg, too hilarious. Your writing style and descriptions had me in stitches. Much appreciated after these past few days…

  3. MJ says:

    Man your shit cracks me up! I am hooked on your website. Keep it up.

  4. MJ says:

    You crack me up. I love this website. Honestly though I wish you would post more often. I know that you are a busy man but you are the “vico-dan” of the internet.

  5. Jimbo, God-King of Herpderpistan says:

    >scat-tastrophe

    I lost it.

  6. canoehead says:

    Poor guy, he probably would’ve melted into the floor, if it hadn’t been already covered.

  7. James Hernandez says:

    omg ha ha ha, this reminds me of a time when I was working third shift at Walgreens and this lady came in about 15 minutes AFTER I had cleaned the restrooms. Normally we did not open them after 11pm because of theft etc., but I made an exception for her and let her in. About 20 minutes after that mistake she wandered up to the front of the store made small talk about how she thought a waitress put visine in her tea. About an hour later I went to the breakroom and there was this awful smell… breakroom and bathrooms led off the same hallway. I went into the ladies room and somehow she managaed to leave a shit handprint on the underside of the toilet bowl and had smeared her shit all over the stall and the floor. I hated Walgreens more than you can imagine that night. The pharmacist and I had a good laugh about it after the fact but man. Never again.

  8. Pharmacist Bob says:

    Coffee in the am, taco bell with jalapeño’s in the pm, they just keep on coming. New organization of pharmacists being formed to kick APhA’s butt and any other organization that wishes to step into the slap face position. This new organization called the United States Pharmacist Association at uspha.co is not your father’s pharmacy organization. Think big, we want a 300,000 pharmacist walk on the mall this summer! If that is not possible, maybe we can get TAP to jump on the white house lawn at least?

  9. That once happened on my ward. Guess who got to clean up?

    That’s right folks, THE FUCKING 35,000 POUND-A-YEAR MEDICAL STUDENT.

    Or maybe it was just that the consultant hated me. Either way, you’re funny and getting added to blogroll, and I’m coming back.

    P.S. Um no, I didn’t steal your blog name, I’m unimaginative that way…

  10. DorfRx says:

    Got dog shit one time. Poor blind guy standing at my counter and his german shepard just let go. Oh, and we’re the chain with carpet. Always a pleasant cleaning experience, gotta get close and personal with a scrub brush, no long mop handles for us.

  11. I_hatemyjob says:

    Good description. Someone helps me to understand here, why 90% of patients while waiting for their prescriptions have to go to rest room. The rest of 10% just come into store to go to rest room. One time there was a line on my pick up window, when I raised my head to see how long was the line. Guess what?? in the middle of line there was a guy raised his hand and asked “where is the rest room?”. It seems to me the rest room in my store is soooooooooooo good that a lot of people just come in to go to rest room. Of course since so much traffic in the store rest room it is constantly “temporary out of work”

  12. Ricochet says:

    I choked on my orange segment reading this!
    Bahwahaha!!!

    (Have only cleaned up lil people’s ‘spooo’ and blood so far….)

  13. mygrindistech says:

    Confirmation bias runs retail pharmacy

  14. elevatorfire says:

    this blog makes my chemistry class pass by quicker- thank god for wireless laptops-as I learn more about what medications help when you vomit pancakes :) – as real as life gets. entertaining education – thank you.

    on the downside, professors are just putting bigger dents on already debt-ridden students because they change the colors of the periodic table, and require you to buy their textbook or you can’t pass the class. its chem 101- wtf- that’s just fu**ed up.

  15. I know for a fact that my brother didn’t go to pharmacy school and couldn’t have written this blog post. And yet while reading through what you’ve posted here, I’d swear I was reading something written by my brother. I don’t know if I should be delighted or horrified that there is someone else out there with my brother’s sense of humor and wit. To be honest, I’m feeling a little of both right now!

  16. Cardsfanbj says:

    We once had one of our medicaid patients who couldn’t afford tampons, and was wearing a white skirt during that time of the month…

  17. Joe Emanuele says:

    LOL! I had a little kid (~4yo) tossed chunks in my lobby last Fri. night. Stunk up the place. He threw up the clarithromycin rx I just flavored grape because his parents had to bring him in the store to give him his first dose. One: They dropped the rx off an hour ago, why do they bring the sick kid in? Two: Why give him the medicine in the store? Three: It’s 9:30pm, why wait so long to get it filled! ARGH! Nice people but I don’t understand why one parent can’t comfort the kid at home while the other gets the rx. Common sense right! “Venting.” I have many angry stories. Thank you!!

  18. Vibiana says:

    I’ll be brave and own up to the fact that this happened to me once, not in a pharmacy but (even worse) in a BANK. I was transacting some business and all of a sudden just felt SICK AS A DOG. Fortunately, there was a wastebasket right under the teller station and I grabbed it and heaved. I couldn’t stop, and at least I didn’t splat all over the counter. Also thankfully, there were no other customers there at the time, but I sure grossed out some tellers. LOL

    I went to the restroom, got myself together, replaced the liner in their wastebasket, disposed of the, erm, vomit, and went back out into the lobby to finish my transaction, but I can assure you I have NEVER gone to that branch again. For which I’m sure the entire staff is profoundly grateful. LOL

  19. Deanrx says:

    Yeah, I did all my intern hours in pharmacy school at the local pediatric hospital. You could always tell the newbie pharmacy and med students by who gagged in the cafeteria on lunch break when a toddler had a blow-out or a “reversal of forture” in the middle of the lunch room. Once you were a 2nd year on up, you just ignored it and kept on eating… keep up the great work TAP!

  20. PharmacistBob says:

    Hey–how about adding us to your list of angrys

    Hey TAP, how about adding us to your list of angrys under angry associations/organizations! USPhA at http://www.uspha.co The United States Pharmacist Association We are angry!

  21. Robert says:

    You rock!
    Keep on griping away

  22. CRYSTAL says:

    FUCK THE WAG, I GAVE EM THE FINGER AND SHIPPED OUT TO ST CROIX. AT LEAST I CAN SUBMERGE MYSELF AFTER THE TYPICAL BULLSHIT…AND THEY CAN’T REACH ME!!

  23. bobby b says:

    “The poor man eventually left with suppositories in hand . . . ”

    You’re not spending enough time educating the patient on proper drug use.

    • Julie P says:

      Oh yeah? How do you know?

    • rph3664 says:

      Back when I worked in retail, a young woman who I later found out was newly pregnant and having a rough time of it came from the ER with an RX for Phenergan suppositories. She must have been feeling better, because as she handed me the RX, she said, “The doctor says I’m supposed to stick these things up my butt.” I replied, “Yes, they are designed for rectal use.”

  24. ditchner says:

    As a 30+ year pharmacist I don’t disagree with most of your rants. In fact I’ve included many of my own at http://www.rxlaughs.com. I’m not sure how long you’ve been a pharmacist but I’d advise a career change before you lose your mind. If I hear of any pharmacists at the top of a tall building shooting random pedestrians I’ll understand that too.

  25. Julie says:

    I felt sorry for y’all all, but he is lucky to have such a thoughtful, caring, and considerate Pharmacist as yourself. I Love my Pharmacist, and his team. I’m Thrilled to know there is a similar place, with Terrific people- And I Completely get the humor. I was laughing. My Dad is a Veterinarian, and I was “Baptized” by blood by five. My medical humor has Always been a bit darker and chaotic than most. Poor guy- but funny story. I think you owe Karma a Raincheck. ;)

  26. None of your business! says:

    This guy went in on pharmacy. Read the last post, lol.

    http://baheyeldin.com/khalid/why-retail-pharmacist-is-a-bad-career-choice.html?page=14

  27. Steve says:

    I think someone has taken your title as “The Angriest Pharmacist.” From the Daily Mail (London) – “Pharmacist punched his female assistant in front of horrified shoppers after losing temper over faulty printer”.

    It is not only in the United States…

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2118640/Pharmacist-punched-female-assistant-shoppers-losing-temper-faulty-printer.html

  28. mariejeanne says:

    I have a solution for you, dispensers. My mom lived in a residence where there were dispensers for the meds of the residents. She was able to get her meds and if we took her out for the week-end the machine allowed a 3 day window so she could get her medicine 3 days before the due date of her refill. This was a pilot project at the residence and worked out very well. From her long life and my increasing long life we have found the following indispensable:

    specialist
    registered nurse
    general practitioner
    nurses aid
    pharmacist or pharmacy dispenser.

    So in my opinion the job of pharmacist is going the way of the dodo.

  29. CVSforcesyoutofillindowntime says:

    Being able to fart and hold composure is one thing but I have one up on you. Find the pharmacy phone that nobody uses and wait until the store is full of people and rip ass over the intercom and sit back and watch what happens. In order to keep myself from putting a .45 round in my head for actually wasting my time getting a Pharm.D degree , if find ways to fuck with people. Waiting for the short bus to show up with elderly and calling random bingo numbers over the intercom is another great way to pass the time.

  30. Mary says:

    You should go on tour around the country and do stand up. You could make a ton of money! This is therapeutic for us all!

  31. Discipulus says:

    If I had to wait an hour for you to dispense a prescription that I could dispense in 15 minutes then yeah I would fucking diarrhea the shit out of your pharmacy!

  32. Steph says:

    I’ll never forget being covered in vomit at a Walgreens as a tech, putting on an extra shirt my 6’5″ pharmacist had in his car that went past my knees and continuing to work with vomit smell in my hair. Good times…. Love your blog!

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