Perils of checking out the hotties

Mike sent me a comment regarding the post about the Certainties part Duex and hot chicks walking into your store.
For once, I am without words. His comment speaks for itself.

Don’t forget about the downward crotch stare from the drive-thru window while you’re pretending to be concerned that they’ve retrieved everything from the drawer!
However, with each of these methods there are risks…. Not only of being caught, but of getting a different view than you expected! The ‘over the monitor’ trick fails when the apparent hottie gets close and you realize that she’s an original AARP recipient….. and her ID number is probably “12”. Then there’s the ‘down the shirt’ fiasco when the nice rack is so saggy when she leans over that they rest on the counter like two overfilled water balloons stretching from gravity. But the nastiest is the ‘drive-thru crotch shot’ when the thighs look like an interstate road map with all the blue and red vessels….. Or worse yet, the bulge you happen to spot is too big to be cameltoe or a winged maxi pad…. And you realize you’ve just waited on Dragzilla!!!

I have no more to add other than I think my testicles just shriveled up and fell off.

Heather the Human Shield

I just wanted to comment/elaborate/etc on a post made by the recent post by theDrugMonkey about the “Heather” of insurance companies.
For all of those too lazy or stupid to click the link above and read DrugMonkey’s post, “Heather” (as he called it, so they shall all be dubbed “Heather”) is the person on the other end of the phone with the insurance company who doesn’t realize that shes riding an emotional atomic bomb down upon the healthcare system. She usually has a nice voice, and has been working for Satan a whole 2 days. She has no idea about the perils of health care nor that her employer managed to get about 4.5 billion ID cards issued with the wrong group number.
I, like the DM, feel horrible for these people. They are the human shields of an industry who cannot help but piss on their own shoes while shitting on all of the people who make up their paycheck. They sound happy on the phone, but you know after a few months of being screamed at by doctors and pharmacist (over something they did not setup, have no control over, and really have no say in to make it better) they stare down at the empty bottle of burbon and wonder why in the fuck do they put up with this abuse. They then look at their kids and realize they are taking one for the team so their kid could have a good life. They refuse to go on welfare or fake a work comp or disability like everyone does.
So it pains me to be upset when I hear Heather’s voice on the other end. I know its not her fault that her employer is retarded, or that the wrong ID number got printed on the card. I know that if she ran the world everything would probably work smoothly. Shes there to pay her rent and buy herself food. She is probably going to college or basically cant get a job anywhere else. Here we are screaming at them for something that they have absolutely no control over just to vent our frustration. Are we any better than those asshole doctors who scream at us because expensive-drug-x is $900?
So next time you’re all fired up about WellCare not having the right ID number, and you hear Healthers voice on the other end, think of this post and realize that its not Heathers fault. She’s there to do a job much like you are and probably goes home and rags on pharmacists like I ran on Drug Reps.
(Yeah, I realize this post isn’t full of hate, bad words, sexual talk or anything like that. It just sorta struck a nerve that I’m sure lives deep down within all pharmacists. I’ll try better next time. Fuck insurance companies and drug reps..There.. All better.. 🙂 )

ePrescribing – Why its STILL a bad idea

With my earlier rant about how hard it is to read doctors’ handwriting, you would think that everyone would just jump on the ePrescribing band-wagon and fix this problem. I’ve ranted before about the horrors of ePrescribing and choosing the wrong medication, now heres something else that isn’t really thought-out pretty well.
Forgery.
Thats right, that nice little fax you get from the doctors office using their spiffy new ePrescribing software. How can we be sure that its a real or a phony? To forge a hard-written Rx, you need to steal a pad, write your drug, write the sig in pharmacy shorthand that wont send off any red-flags, wipe your butt on the signature line (to get a realistic looking signature), and hope the pharmacist is too busy to realize a glaring error you made.
To forge a fax over Rx, you need to obtain the computer generated paper copy (which most doctors office will give you to), scan it, and just use photoshop or some other program to fill in whatever your heart wishes, then just fax it over. Nobody is going to be looking for an ePrescribing phony, so it shouldn’t send off any red flags. There is no “signature” only something stupid like:
James D Doofman MD
Signed via secure terminal
Thanks mr “Signed via secure terminal”, that really makes me feel like it makes this legit. Other have a little digital signature that looks like an inkjet printer threw up in a little text box. As if that’s going to stop people from using a xerox machine and some tape. “Secure Signature” thwarted.
ePrescribing has taken one huge factor that makes forgery difficult. The human handwriting factor. All of us ‘know’ a doctors handwriting or writing habits. The out of town or new doctors that we don’t recognize we call on. ePrescribing takes care of that. There is no human element to Rx’s now days. Everything is generated by a computer, the same type of computer that you are reading this entry on. The same computer that can be infected by viruses, taken over by hackers, and is 100% reliant on the person sitting in front of it to not click on the wrong space or hit the wrong button.
I could just as easily now take one of the 1000 rx’s that I receive on a daily basis for narcotics via ePrescribing, use a copy machine, Microsoft word, and some tape, and send out forgeries that nobody would give a second thought to. In fact, I would be really surprised if someone hadn’t made a web page that will allow you to fill in your name, address, pharmacy name/fax, and what drug you want (via easy click menu!) and have it auto-fax it to the pharmacy of your choice. I’m sure it would be very trivial to make, and pharmacists wouldn’t even suspect it to be a phony (maybe a mistake by the doctor, but not a phony).
So whats the solution? Easy, doctors need to know your pharmacist and pharmacists need to know your doctor. If you deal with one doctor on a frequent basis, invite him/her out to dinner or drinks after work. This applies to doctors to. You deal with the same pharmacy day in and day out? Go out for a beer or cocktail after work with them. Don’t give me this whole “I’m too busy” bullshit. All it takes is for that pharmacist to save your ass from one DEA investigation (because your dipshit office staff infected your office network with a virus, and every computer-literate crackhead now has full ePrescribing powers right under your nose) to make a few drinks a month/year completely worth your time.
I love how we toss out a system of Rx writing that has been working perfectly fine for hundreds of years to a system that has been out for 5 that our licenses and practice rely on. Way to go.

Pharmacy Certainties – The Hot Patient

This particular certainty needs its own section, because its true no matter what. I know my fiance’ is going to murder me when she reads this. This applies to the single male pharmacy population.
Hot girl walks into your store. Usually they only make themselves noticed during the dead of summer when they are wearing nothing more than a bra and panties. You’re swamped with work (as always) but a quick nudge by your male tech next to you grabs your attention. The transition from a hot summer day to a very cold A/C’d pharmacy makes things.. Uh.. noticeable. You try to keep your mind on work, but you cant seem to keep your eyes off of the hot piece of ass standing there at your counter. You do the whole “look over the top of the monitor” trick to make it appear you’re working and not checking her out.
I know all of the females are going to get upset, but hey, its instinct.
She hands you an Rx, you punch her central profile up, and the certainties start flying:

  • She is ALWAYS too young. You wonder if her mother knows she is out flaunting the goods trying to bait guys into statutory rape-ville.
  • You see the following on her central profile: Valtrex, Acyclovir, Zithromax 1gm x 50 dispensings, PlanB x 3000 dispensings, Birth Control (filled but RTS’d), Prenatal vitamins #300 filled 4 times about 3 months apart and of course, some nice expensive HIV meds.
  • The largest, ugliest, dirtiest mexican guy walks right up next to her, and they start to violate each other with their tounges right there in front of your staff
  • Hickeys. Lots and lots of hickeys.
    Suddenly, you are able to concentrate on your work a whole lot more as your soul dies just a little. You can hear your single male tech next to your breathe a sigh as his soul dies just a little bit more than yours did.

  • Perverts and Cougars

    Every store has these (amazing how often I use that opener, i’m really on a roll lately).
    The unwashed, unlaid, fat, lazy, mouth-breathing pervert. The one who comes into the pharmacy as all of your female front-end girls make a bee-line to the break room. The one who would rather hold a conversation with a pair of tits or an ass than to a face.
    I love it when these guys come in. Absolutely love it.
    First off, they waltz in with their beer-guts hanging out over the front of their way-too-tight shorts. You would think that after 45 years on this planet you’d learn how to dress yourself. At this point, almost in unison, all of the girls spin around and give me a deer-in-the-headlight look. I return their look with a huge grin and an anticipation as to what he is going to say.
    Obviously there is a reason why guys like these have never touched a breast (consensually) or ever gotten laid. Be it their lack of body hygiene, or just the absolute lack of tact in the way they present themselves. Example:
    Now to all of the ladies out there; as you may or may not know, there is over 20000 years of hard-wired instinct that reflexively makes the eyes of males go south to look at your fun-bags. Now most guys will admit that looking at your taters without getting caught is a fine art, not so much unlike looking into the sun. You take quick glances, and know when enough is enough. Since most of the time the women are wearing low cut tops, you expect this, and life goes on. Its like taking a few grapes from the supermarket to see if they are ripe or not. Everyone does it, so no big deal.
    These guys however will have an entire conversation with your tits. Their eyes are glued to your snack-trays like watching out for a snake is going to erupt from your cleavage and bite them in the neck. Why am I so amused? Because its extremely funny to see what the girls do in response to this. Most will just button their smock, some will shift positions or play with a necklace. Its like watching the mating rituals of a 45 year old virgin on National Geographic (well, without the saggy boobs).
    After a few min’s of polite attention to the tops of your boobs, they ask for their prescription. Then comes another 10 min of small-talk to the tops of the puppies and away they go. Lysol fills the air shortly thereafter, and the girls all chatter as to how disgusting he is.
    The perverted (read: desperate) females are even better to watch. They come in wearing an outfit that leaves nothing to the imagination, and start up a conversation that you feel you should pay $1.99/min to continue. The old saying rings true: Like an old dog-turd laying on the lawn; the older women are, the easier they are to pick up. Now I’ll admit, if you took care of yourself in your youth, you can look really good by the time you hit your 50’s. However the ones showing off the goods are the ones that really shouldn’t. Usually the front end staff look at each other, look at us in the back, and try not to laugh as the women strut their goods that have long exceeded the expiration date. I usually just shake my head, stare at the computer screen like I’m really busy filling their premarin, and hope they don’t ask me any questions about what sort of substance is oozing out of their vagina.

    Mountain out of a Molehill

    Uh, I’m confused.
    People are all up in arms because of an angry (*gasp* No! Me? Angry?) post about The Angriest Pharmacist’s Site and how its name/slogan is/was so close to my own.
    People have been writing about Legal Options among other things. Lets look at this:

  • That post was written on 9/4/07 at 12:52pm. So in other words, I was at lunch (read: sanity break) during a totally chaotic day after a three day first-of-the-month holiday. Of course I’m going to be angry. Other pharmacists were probably sobbing in the restroom or eyeing those fentanyl patches and the heating pad.
  • I specifically said in my post that I don’t hate him, nor am I going to do anything. I was just pointing out some observations in a very angry and pissed off way. Angry? Pissed off? Me? Never! Oh, did you realize that the word ANGRY is in my domain name?
  • I pointed out that he ripped off my domain name. He admits he did. Statement of fact, not bitter hatred. As long as people dont confuse us I really dont care. If they do confuse us, then I’m sending the pissed off people his way and saying that I didnt do it.
  • I rag on Insurance Companies, Argus, Drug Reps (i really hate drug reps), Mail Order Pharmacies, Doctors, the Public, Welfare Recipients, Non-English Speaking Nurses, People Who Write Lists Starting With Capital Letters For No Reason, NA/MA/PharmD/BS/etc and myself. Now where in your head did you somehow think that ragging on someone from my own profession is somehow out of line or that a “War” is going to start? If you want to be offended, wait until I get fired up about Mail Order Pharmacies, then you’ll have an excuse.
  • I don’t hate “The Angriest Pharmacist”. I read his website, it makes me chuckle. If he lived close to me we could have beers and hate on people together. Sure there is going to be some low-balling and snappy remarks thrown across the table at each other in good fun, but isn’t that what is fun to read? If you can’t rag on your own profession then who really can you rag on. Oh, drug reps, sorry.
    So yes, as said by The Angriest Pharmacist, I will just have to “cope” with his domain name (which to be honest, I really didn’t care in the first place. I’ve known about it since he started. I was just in a really bad mood (yes, i know, so unlike me) and decided to make a rant about it). However he will also have to “cope” with realizing that I am the original Angry Pharmacist on the internet (which I really doubt he’s challenging that statement). I mean seriously, people really read way too deep into the whole rant as some sort of legal issue or think they have to choose sides. Seriously, not an issue. If I was ranting about a Drug Rep blog nobody would even blink but for some reason they did this time. If you wish to read mine, more power to you. If you wish to read his, more power to you. If you wish to read both of ours, hell yes! Just don’t read DrugNazi’s (he wont return my requests for a drink-a-thon, 😉 )
    I mean the war between ER and non-ER docs is a way better read than angriest and myself. I mean I can use that information and have a doctor rag-a-thon for a good solid year.
    Compared to ERTechDude’s rant, my rant looked like a love letter. I need to work on that.
    Actually, as I look back on the archives, I dont believe I have ever made a single rant post targeting one person (only classes/professions/etc), so I believe that is what threw everyone for a loop. Enough rambling, you all get the point. I’m sorry if I confused some of you all.

  • Dear Doctors in the Audience:

    Dear Doctors,
    I know you are out there. I read your comments, approve them, and usually treat you pretty well on here. I have a small request from the pharmacy community in general. I hope you take this request to heart and please comply.
    Please buy a god damn stamp with your Name, DEA, NPI and any other license information you may have. Buy 100 of them, put them all over your office/coat/etc and use them on every Rx you write.
    You see, although us pharmacists are pretty good about deciphering your scribble regarding medication and sigs, our Achilles heel is your name. When you dont print your name, and just leave chicken-shit scribble as your mark, we tend to get upset. Trying to get “Dr Joseph Smith” from a signature that looks like 2 year old scribble is frustrating. Usually we can use process of elimination and get a few letters, look up the patients profile, and match that way. However all bets are off on hospital discharge papers because there are a bunch of you there who really don’t see the patients there, so we have to guess. I know thats unsafe, and you get really angry at us when we call for clarification or your name ends up on something that its not, but its your own fucking fault. I don’t wipe my ass on refill requests and try to get you to decipher my name from that now do I?
    So please please PLEASE get a few stamps and use them. If you don’t see this as a problem, then don’t get pissy when your name ends up on Rx’s that its not supposed to.
    Thank you.
    -The Angry Pharmacist
    Patron Saint of Retail Pharmacists

    Pharmacy Certainties

    There are some things that go on in a pharmacy that are set in stone like the sun rising in the morning. Pharmacy school should publish this list for their students. Seriously, its all true. Lets examine a few:

  • Drug reps/Headhunters/Pharm Companies/etc will always call you/stop by at the absolute worst time. Much like the tuesday after a three day weekend, or on the first of the month. During the slow times of the month you wont hear a peep from them.
  • Your most important tech will make a doctors appointment on the tuesday after a three day weekend and be gone for half of the day. You wonder why he/she couldn’t make that appointment for some day when you aren’t contemplating suicide.
  • The patient who you thought you filled that Rx correctly for ended up having another last name and the same birth-date as someone else in your system. Of course they don’t tell you this until after they have received the Rx and loudly proclaim that you filled it for the wrong person with a store full of people. I mean aren’t we supposed to know that her full name is Maria Consuelo Rodriguez Maravilla Hernandez Guadalupe AIAIAIAIA ARRIBA?
  • That bottle of expensive-drug-x is exactly one tablet short to fill that Rx, and the patient wants you to order a whole new bottle of #100 so you can fill the balance of 1 tablet. Oh, and the patient is the only person you have on this medication.
  • Someone will always come into the store with a fistful of Rx’s at exactly 1 min until closing, and want them all right now. This is after most of your staff have already left leaving you alone to do all the work.
  • Your bazillion dollar counting machine will blow up only when half of your staff calls in sick, and you really really need it.
  • Insurance cards + correct ID number = HAHAHAH RIGHT!
  • Argus and Wellpoint will be down, but not at the same time. We cant have you do absolutely nothing all day, so we’re just going to fuck up half of your day.
  • Your computer system/network/DSL goes out when your computer guy is on vacation.
  • “This is not the ID card you are looking for” *hand wavy jedi trick*
  • When you call out a patients name to tell them their Rx is ready, the wrong person will come up and claim it. Then get pissed off because to them “John” sounds like “Steven”.
  • 30 min into a phone call to the pharmacy help desk of the insurance company to get an ID number, the patient will magically pull a current ID card out of his/her ass then wonder why you are upset at them.
  • The “Nurse” calling in the Rx wont be able to read doctors handwriting, then spend 10 min taking a poll in the front office as to what that sig looks like. Heaven forbid she couldn’t read over the Rx before she got you on the phone.
  • When looking at a doctors scribble, you will always pick the wrong doctor in your system. We are expected to be able to read sloppy signatures much like we are able to tell our own shit-smear on a piece of toilet paper.
  • The one doctor who does not know about the iPledge program or NPI numbers is the one you deal with on a daily basis, and the only one that you can’t really tell to go eat a dick.
  • The pharmacy calling you for copies doesn’t have a pharmacist, and the two-bit clerk who called you doesn’t know their fax number or have any Rx numbers.
  • A patient brings in lunch for your staff, but you cant eat it because you are up to your eyeballs in work. It smells really nice though.
  • There is only 1 scoop of coffee grounds left in the container, so you just drink brown water all day.
    Last but not least:

  • That bottle of gin that you were so looking forward to after days like yesterday will be sitting on your bar empty when you need it the most.
  • Angriest Pharmacist?

    So it turns out that someone is trying to ride on my coattails. I realize that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but a line has to be drawn.
    I don’t really think that I’m pissed off that this douche decided to start a blog to capture what the DrugNazi and I do, but that he wasn’t even creative enough to give himself a recognizable name.

    No, I’m not related to the AngryPharmacist. I don’t know him. I’ve never even exchanged pleasantries with him. I did happen upon his site and loved it…so, I semi-jacked the name. If you read both, you’d know that our content is quite different, as is our writing style. God forbid two different entities start up similar ‘services’ about/providing the same thing. Damn you Coke and Pepsi. Piss off MSN and CNN. Go to hell Cingular, Verizon, Sprint, and US Cellular.

    You didnt semi-jack the name. You basically took my domain name, added -iest on it, then claimed it as your own. Our content may be different, but our domain names arent. This isnt like Coke and Pepsi. Coke and Pepsi have two /different/ names that cannot be confused with each other. Compare that with angrypharmacist and angriestpharmacist and I hope you’ll see what i’m talking about. If not, then take both names, cross out the letters that are in both names, and what remains is the extent of your creativeness.

    Ranting and raving from the one of the world’s most trusted professionals…the *Angriest* of Pharmacists!

    Can you fucking think of anything yourself? Not only did you totally rip off my idea, my domain name, but now my site slogan? Amazing how similar that is to “Rants from the most trusted profession”.
    Am I telling you to shut down your site? No.
    Am I angry at you for totally copying my shit? Sorta.
    Do I hate you? No.
    Will I poke fun at you forever? Hell Yes!
    Do I think you have the creativity of a turd baking in the sun? Look at your domain name and slogan and tell me.
    Beware angriestpharmacist, you are riding on some pretty burly coat-tails, and a lot of eyes are going to be on you just waiting for you to screw up. I hope you are up to the task and have a damn good sense of humor.

    Needy patients during first of the month

    Its the first day of a new month after a three day weekend. For those of you not in the profession, this means hellish busy for us retail folk. It also means that I’m stressed out, fucking pissed off at the world, and about ready to chuck my phone handset at some idiots face for calling me 100 times asking me if his vicodin is ready. Yes, I’m writing this at work. I’m taking a breather so I dont end up murdering someone with my bare hands in the store.
    This brings me to a big pet peeve of pharmacy, the needy patient. Anyone who is worth their salt in retail knows exactly what i’m talking about. Usually needy/clingy patients arent a big deal, unless they decide to come in during one of these hell-days.
    All pharmacists dont mind getting asked and answering questions. Its part of the job, and to be honest we love answering a good question that the public may have. We have medical knowledge that the public does not, and really its why people love us the way they do.
    However some people take our generosity and good nature to extremes. I call these ‘needy patients’ becuase they are just that, needy (and ‘fucking pests’ doesn’t sound as nice).
    They are the ones who think that everyone is incapable of taking down refill numbers but you, and will sit there on hold for 1/2 hour waiting to talk to you (and you only) just to give you 6 numbers that any moron could write down.
    They come into the pharmacy and wish to talk to you and you only. They will sit there and hover at the counter (refusing to take a seat) as you have Rx’s flowing out of your asshole just waiting to talk to you. When you finally talk to them (thinking its some really hard question or concern) you find out that they wish to ask you questions just to hear themselves talk. Like if they should take their lisinopril with or without food (even though they have been on the medication for 10 years). The restraint to not rip their faces off and shit down their gaping hole depends on how busy you are.
    These patients are incapable of wiping their own asses without calling you for advice. They have somehow trained themselves to be totally incapable of basic care needs without consulting you, their PERSONAL pharmacist. Some people might be flattered by this and think that I’m just an asshole; I want to see those people deal with a needy inconsiderate dickwad blabbing to them over the counter while they are up to their nutsacks in work as 20 other people are screaming at their rx’s are taking too long to fill.
    To make matters worse, these patients somehow think they are better than everyone else just because they know you by name. They will bust to the front of the line with their plastic baggies full of medication, and ask that you fill them first because they are “in a hurry”. Like watching a retard sitting in the rain, you dont really have the heart to tell them to get in fucking line, so you just put up with it. Know what happens when you let a retard into your house during a rainstorm? You get a retard on your doorstep during EVERY rainstorm. Sometimes being kind earns a turd in your punchbowl.
    Then they start treating your staff like shit. Stuff like demanding that they put you through when you are hold with a doctors office, being rude and inconsiderate in the process. They feel that YOU are their personal pharmacist, and you should answer their every beck and call. They will catch you in a moment of weakness and manage to get your home phone number. They will call you at 2am to get that Rx for their blood pressure meds filled becuase they were ‘too busy’ to stop by the pharmacy during the day and are out.
    They have zero consideration for your feelings or your job. They will walk all over you not out of anger, but out of sheer stupidity and lack of foresight that they are being a pain in the ass. Yet we put up with it out of the sake of the profession.
    All pharmacists have patients like these, and during days like today, the urge to tell them to leave you the fuck alone grows beyond the level of control that our profession has ingrained upon us.
    To all the pharmacists that are reading this after a hellish day of work, I salute you.