Pharmacy Certainties – The Hot Patient

This particular certainty needs its own section, because its true no matter what. I know my fiance’ is going to murder me when she reads this. This applies to the single male pharmacy population.
Hot girl walks into your store. Usually they only make themselves noticed during the dead of summer when they are wearing nothing more than a bra and panties. You’re swamped with work (as always) but a quick nudge by your male tech next to you grabs your attention. The transition from a hot summer day to a very cold A/C’d pharmacy makes things.. Uh.. noticeable. You try to keep your mind on work, but you cant seem to keep your eyes off of the hot piece of ass standing there at your counter. You do the whole “look over the top of the monitor” trick to make it appear you’re working and not checking her out.
I know all of the females are going to get upset, but hey, its instinct.
She hands you an Rx, you punch her central profile up, and the certainties start flying:

  • She is ALWAYS too young. You wonder if her mother knows she is out flaunting the goods trying to bait guys into statutory rape-ville.
  • You see the following on her central profile: Valtrex, Acyclovir, Zithromax 1gm x 50 dispensings, PlanB x 3000 dispensings, Birth Control (filled but RTS’d), Prenatal vitamins #300 filled 4 times about 3 months apart and of course, some nice expensive HIV meds.
  • The largest, ugliest, dirtiest mexican guy walks right up next to her, and they start to violate each other with their tounges right there in front of your staff
  • Hickeys. Lots and lots of hickeys.
    Suddenly, you are able to concentrate on your work a whole lot more as your soul dies just a little. You can hear your single male tech next to your breathe a sigh as his soul dies just a little bit more than yours did.

  • 18 thoughts on “Pharmacy Certainties – The Hot Patient”

    1. Yup, the classic “look over the top of the monitor” trick crosses the Atlantic. Closely followed by the “I’m not looking down your top whilst you bend over to sign your prescription”
      What does RTS stand for? Return to Stock?

    2. I had a streak going for a while where every girl who would smile at me was picking up scripts for antipsychotics. Then of course the ones you are into always are filling contraceptives meaning you are out of luck 9 out of 10 times right off the bat.

    3. Don’t forget about the downward crotch stare from the drive-thru window while you’re pretending to be concerned that they’ve retrieved everything from the drawer!
      However, with each of these methods there are risks…. Not only of being caught, but of getting a different view than you expected! The ‘over the monitor’ trick fails when the apparent hottie gets close and you realize that she’s an original AARP recipient….. and her ID number is probably “12”. Then there’s the ‘down the shirt’ fiasco when the nice rack is so saggy when she leans over that they rest on the counter like two overfilled water balloons stretching from gravity. But the nastiest is the ‘drive-thru crotch shot’ when the thighs look like an interstate road map with all the blue and red vessels….. Or worse yet, the bulge you happen to spot is too big to be cameltoe or a winged maxi pad…. And you realize you’ve just waited on Dragzilla!!!

    4. What always happens to me is, I’ll have a rare moment of down-time and this real REAL HOTTIE will come into the store and start spending some quality time
      in the vitamin section RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME…and just as she bends over [not the “ladylike” way]to check out the iron supplement on the bottom shelf–she and I being whisked away to some deserted island {mentally anyways}…I hear some old bat from the PRIVATE consultation area say-excuse me, excuse me…after coming to my senses and realizing that I’m really still at work…The old bat proceeds to interrogate me for 20 minutes on which eyebrow curler is best…The only thing I can see is the condom section, the consultation divider and of course the old bat–and afterward **my deserted island beauty–**poof**–vanished!!!

    5. I agree with everything previously stated but had a very funny encounter today. Hot blonde walks up to my window i look up and am pleasantly suprised, normally just an elderly crowd. Well i say how may i help you and the answer i got was funny, i actually laughed. She asked if we were open. I was standing at my computer typing in scripts and gave her a weird look, looked around at a tech and my pharmacist and said yeah. When she walked off we all just busted up laughing and she turned around and looked back and we just laughed harder.

    6. been there done that. the pharmacy i used to work at had a complex system within its system that kept track of the hot ones. the number of exclamation points in their profile was an indicator of hotness level. it was a system that was developed over many hours. god, i miss working there.

    7. you ever have the joy of interviewing a smoking hot tech, pharmacy student or pharmacist?
      i had the hottest of smoke at my pharmacy last month, looking for a pharmacist position.
      my partner and i had to use all of our Superior Pharmacist Mind Power to divert our eyes from her highly exposes cleave

    8. Wow, rants from the most trusted profession. Checking out mentally ill hotties and how to get away with it. By the way, do you have beer and gravey stains on that labcoat?

    9. Wow, rants from the most trusted profession. Checking out mentally ill hotties and how to get away with it. By the way, do you have beer and gravey stains on that labcoat?

    10. I work in a hospital now, and I am a woman, but man, I sure wish the place where I worked had hot men! It was a very economically depressed river town where most of the people looked like that little creature in “Toy Story” that was bell-shaped, and had an antenna and three eyes.

    11. When I worked for Eckerd the front end manger used to use the overhead to page “price check aisle #” any time there was a hot chick. Those were good times.

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    Pharmacy Certainties

    There are some things that go on in a pharmacy that are set in stone like the sun rising in the morning. Pharmacy school should publish this list for their students. Seriously, its all true. Lets examine a few:

  • Drug reps/Headhunters/Pharm Companies/etc will always call you/stop by at the absolute worst time. Much like the tuesday after a three day weekend, or on the first of the month. During the slow times of the month you wont hear a peep from them.
  • Your most important tech will make a doctors appointment on the tuesday after a three day weekend and be gone for half of the day. You wonder why he/she couldn’t make that appointment for some day when you aren’t contemplating suicide.
  • The patient who you thought you filled that Rx correctly for ended up having another last name and the same birth-date as someone else in your system. Of course they don’t tell you this until after they have received the Rx and loudly proclaim that you filled it for the wrong person with a store full of people. I mean aren’t we supposed to know that her full name is Maria Consuelo Rodriguez Maravilla Hernandez Guadalupe AIAIAIAIA ARRIBA?
  • That bottle of expensive-drug-x is exactly one tablet short to fill that Rx, and the patient wants you to order a whole new bottle of #100 so you can fill the balance of 1 tablet. Oh, and the patient is the only person you have on this medication.
  • Someone will always come into the store with a fistful of Rx’s at exactly 1 min until closing, and want them all right now. This is after most of your staff have already left leaving you alone to do all the work.
  • Your bazillion dollar counting machine will blow up only when half of your staff calls in sick, and you really really need it.
  • Insurance cards + correct ID number = HAHAHAH RIGHT!
  • Argus and Wellpoint will be down, but not at the same time. We cant have you do absolutely nothing all day, so we’re just going to fuck up half of your day.
  • Your computer system/network/DSL goes out when your computer guy is on vacation.
  • “This is not the ID card you are looking for” *hand wavy jedi trick*
  • When you call out a patients name to tell them their Rx is ready, the wrong person will come up and claim it. Then get pissed off because to them “John” sounds like “Steven”.
  • 30 min into a phone call to the pharmacy help desk of the insurance company to get an ID number, the patient will magically pull a current ID card out of his/her ass then wonder why you are upset at them.
  • The “Nurse” calling in the Rx wont be able to read doctors handwriting, then spend 10 min taking a poll in the front office as to what that sig looks like. Heaven forbid she couldn’t read over the Rx before she got you on the phone.
  • When looking at a doctors scribble, you will always pick the wrong doctor in your system. We are expected to be able to read sloppy signatures much like we are able to tell our own shit-smear on a piece of toilet paper.
  • The one doctor who does not know about the iPledge program or NPI numbers is the one you deal with on a daily basis, and the only one that you can’t really tell to go eat a dick.
  • The pharmacy calling you for copies doesn’t have a pharmacist, and the two-bit clerk who called you doesn’t know their fax number or have any Rx numbers.
  • A patient brings in lunch for your staff, but you cant eat it because you are up to your eyeballs in work. It smells really nice though.
  • There is only 1 scoop of coffee grounds left in the container, so you just drink brown water all day.
    Last but not least:

  • That bottle of gin that you were so looking forward to after days like yesterday will be sitting on your bar empty when you need it the most.
  • 9 thoughts on “Pharmacy Certainties”

    1. “I mean aren’t we supposed to know that her full name is Maria Consuelo Rodriguez Maravilla Hernandez Guadalupe AIAIAIAIA ARRIBA?”
      I thought “AIAIAIAI” was her diagnosis, not her name. 😉

    2. add its always the pharamcists fault when the doctors office hasn’t called in their refill ok for a med they have been out of for a week and they are on their way out of town. they obviously can’t freaking figure out that if you take 1 tablet daily and you have 3 tablets left you are close to running out! also please add spiced rum and a good tequila to your shelf.

    3. Don’t forget the strung out customer who smells of booze. That comes one minute before close, and can’t even find her PERSCRIPTION!
      “I know I had it, I put it in my purse before I left the house! I know all the druds and the direction. Can’t you fill them now and I’ll bring it by first thing in the morning?”
      The rx she claimed was for: vicodin, soma, and norflex. Sorry lady the time is now 9:05 pm, and the pharmacy is now closed. Come back in the morning with you invisible scripts. And oh yes I’m sure the doc gave you prn refills on that vicodin!
      Love you blog by the way it’s my way overdue laugh, after a really bad day @ the big crappy understaffed pharmacy chain.

    4. Ohhh! I’ll one up you on the comment regarding customers bringing in scripts at closing!
      It was 6pm, and CVS pharmacies close at 6 on weekends for…oh…5 years or so? (and yet we still get people bitching and whining about getting there and we being closed and how DARE we close at 6!!!) This couple came in right after the gates closed as the pharmacist and I (I being the tech) were cleaning up the last bit of crap. They needed the drug immediately (!!!) so we took a look and saw that it was from a nearby hospital and for Cipro. The pharmacist and I thought “Oh crap, probably just got out of the hospital” and decided to do our good deed of the month and fill it. Well…the insurance didn’t work. So we asked for a new card to which the man says “There isn’t a new card…” but yet somehow takes out a card and says “This is the only one I have…” Voila! It’s a new card as it isn’t in our system. Then…it wasn’t active yet (after a call to the insurance of course). So they hemmed and hawed and said they wanted to buy it anyways. So we handed the bag with the drug in it (generic Cipro) to which they go “It is TOO expensive! Why can’t it be cheaper?”
      Maybe I should mention the couple was from India. I have NOTHING against Indian people (have tons of Indian friends)…but the ones I have dealt with at the pharmacy have been HORRIBLY rude and always try to bargain with us about the price…and never understand that the co-pay is set and we can’t do anything about it.
      So to end the lovely story, they left the pharmacy…with their prescription in hand and no drug. Because they didn’t want to pay for it.
      Time lapse: 20 minutes. 20 mins spent to end up with nothing. That just pisses me off.
      I just LOVE your blog! Makes a horrible day look so much brighter!

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