I am going to give you all a very serious warning to a very serious condition that pharmacists (and techs) are prone to.
The condition is called Shit-Fart, or Shart. ICD9: 457.44
You see, Pharmacists/Techs are very prone to catching the dreaded shart due to the following risk factors:
- Long periods of time standing up
- Huge sums of coffee
- Inability to sit down to take a poop in peace
- Urge to release gas
- Moist feeling in pants
- Putrid smell
A male 33 years of age is a Pharmacist assistant at a local independent pharmacy. The patient has had an increased intake of coffee to offset the 500 rx day that he is having. For lunch, he has woofed down nothing but dried fruit and coffee. Whilst working, he feels an urge to release some built up colonic pressure. He walks over to the back of the pharmacy (where all the creams are) and proceeds to let one fly as gingerly as possible. The sound resembles something between a juicy floorboard squeek and a coffee percolator. Immediately the patient experiences a warm humid sensation in his bottom region quickly followed by a cooling down sensation and moistness. The patient quickly hurries to the restroom where he has confirmed the differential diagnosis of crapping his pants (AKA Shart).
Guidelines for the treatment of ‘Shart’:
- You will know, because your butt-area will get very warm, then very cold and wet.
- DONT PANIC! Initially, nobody will know that you have crapped your drawers. Shouting “OH FUCK I THINK I JUST SHIT MY PANTS” will just draw attention to your butt-leakage and result in humiliation and an influx of phone calls to prolong treatment.
- Proceed immedately to the nearest restroom after finishing Rx or patient consultation.
- If you have confirmed Sharting yourself (either by seeing the butt-paste run down your legs, or the evidence of a tractor-trailer doing doughnuts in your tighty-whities):
- If you are wearing briefs, remove said briefs (they would have contained the episode) and dispose in nearest trash receptor. Be a good citizen and take said trash receptacle out for the sake of your coworkers.
- If you are wearing boxers
- If force of anal explosion has spackled only the back of your boxers, jump for joy and proceed as outlined above with briefs
- If force of anal explosion has not spackled the back of your boxers, yet allowed poo to run down the backs of your legs, contain the spillage as best as possible. Absolute worst case is stainage of nice slacks with poo-poo-juice upon which you must leave work to change.
- If you have a white coat, pray that the butt-juice did not stain it. UOP would be angry that you sharted all over the white coat that so many alumni gifted to you yet could not be there for the ceremony.
- If you have a phone call waiting and cannot fully clean up
- Abort the undergarments as fast as you can in the trash
- Create a ‘male tampon’ or Manpon
- Take 6 to 7 squares (but no more than 10) of toilet tissue
- Fold neatly in half
- Place between buttcheeks
- Smile at the ingenious way to catch butt-moisture
- Emerge from the restroom with the appearance that nothing is wrong. Say you are “taking out the trash”. If employees question your sudden act of kindness, remind them that you are a pharmacist and have taken classes in patient care and cultural competency.
- If your fellow employees mention that you have just shit your pants
- Deny it.
- Check back of pants for butt-leakage runoff marks
- Deny it again
- Go home for lunch
- Ignore the comment that you have changed pants after lunch and insist they were just unobservant.
- Point at nearest tech and said “SHE DID IT”
- Hide the fact that you just took 2 Lomotil
Together, we can help education and put an end to this terrible, terrible condition.