Summer is upon us, and with it comes such delightful things.
The weather is warming up, and that means… BO SEASON! YAY!
For those new here, when the weather warms up, people start to stink. Its not the subtle smells like cat-piss and just unwashed nasty that’s present during the winter months (because you don’t need to shower if you don’t sweat!™ ). This is full on brown-underarm stains on that stretched paper-thin wife-beater stank.
Usually you can spot them coming as they walk in the door. They are always:
- Breathing via their mouth
- Swinging their arms like they are doing the twist when they walk
- Dressed in a wife-beater stretched to its absolute limits while covered in various stains
- Complain loudly about their Fatsomyalgia™
Now this is when as a pharmacist you need to really pony-up and exert your status on your clerks. You make THEM wait on this guy. If you don’t flex your college educated muscles, all of your clerks will scatter and find something more pressing to do (or use the restroom, all of them, at once) leaving you high and dry. You always have your techs as a human shield, but these mouth-breathers always utter the words we hate to hear the most…
“I wanna talk to a pharmacist”
Just typing those words makes my fingers burn. At this point, its every pharmacist for him/herself. The PIC (pharmacist in charge) will throw down the PIC card, and then its whoever been there the least amount of time. If you are fortunate enough to have an intern, they take the bullet for you, always. If that intern doesn’t wait on that smelly fat-ass, then you fail (or fire) them for not doing pharmacist-in-training duties.
What adds insult to injury, is that its always some stupid question like “*gasp* WHERES THE MOTRIN *gasp*”. Its never “WHERES THE SOAP” or “WHERES THE DEODORANT”or “WHAT ARE THE PHARMACOLOGICAL IMPLICATIONS OF TAKING EXTENDED RELEASE POTASSIUM WITH AN ANTI-CHOLINERGIC?” (heh, I’m a nerd, I amused myself with that last one). Anyway, can you imagine what their houses must smell like? Can you imagine what their bed must look like? I wonder what shade of brown/tan their white bedsheets (if they just aren’t sleeping on a bare dirty mattress) are. Remember kids, if you’re bad in life; you’ll come back to this world as THAT GUYS WIFE-BEATER OR BANANA HAMMOCK. Now you all know where metformin comes from and why it smells that bad.
Enough about the smells, time for the sights! Another wonderful welcome sign of summer are what people decide (or better yet, decide not) to wear.
Tube-tops are a wonderful thing, but like guns, alcohol, sharp weapons, and poop; they can be misused and cause a lot of damage. Murphys law states that if a girl comes in your pharmacy wearing a tube-top, they are the girl who you would NOT want to see in a tube top. Boobs are supposed to be in the uppermost part of the torso, be well defined and supported, and be pleasant to starelook at (especially if the A/C is cranked to sub-zero *ahem*). They should NOT be one gigantic shelf that spans from your armpits down to above your belly-button. Tube-tops are not a substitute for a bra or other feminine chestal support. If you choose to wear such things, please choose a color that does not turn dark with sweat. I don’t really need to see sweat-marks accenting your huge unbridled breasteseseseses.
This also applies to short-shorts. If your fat wraps around the leg-holes of your shorts like the meat being pressed out of a sausage, please don’t wear them.
Tanktops with large arm-holes and no bra? Yeah, the moment you reach down for something there’s going to be a whole lot of disaster happening. Oh, don’t worry, you’ll see everything guaranteed.
Spandex anything? I don’t even think this needs an explanation.
Just because you have a large chest does not mean a low cut top looks good on you. I realize that it allows you easy access to the treasures you hide under your mommy-bags, but Murphy’s law states that the 0.24 seconds that I glance up I’ll see you doing something that will scar me forever.
Oh, and that one HOT girl who comes in the store wearing next to nothing? You’ll be at lunch, in the can, or have your head buried in so much DUR/Insurance/Doctors Office madness that you won’t see and won’t care. Thats how life is for Pharmacists. If you’re hot, then please make yourself know to the pharmacist before leaving. Dance, jump, do cartwheels, blow kisses, anything to remind us that the world isn’t full of fat and ugly people wearing spandex and wife-beaters.
Summer is also an excuse for ghetto parents to allow their toddler to just run around in the pharmacy wearing nothing but a dirty diaper. If the filth and dirty on the outside doesn’t get to you, imagine whats going on INSIDE the diaper. Its not the poor kids fault; hell, if I could run around a pharmacy with just my boxers I’d do it too. However its the PARENTS responsibility to make sure that the kid has clothes on while in a public space. Wait, there’s that R word again.