Cracky McCrackhead Addict

A pharmacy without crackheads would be like a Big-Mac without the secret sauce.  The two go hand-in-hand like fat-chicks and spandex.

Have you ever sit to think about the hard work and dedication to be a tried and true crackhead?  The kind of crackhead that makes pharmacists everywhere sigh and cringe as they hear their name on the phone, or see them walk into the front door?

I believe its time for another patient handout!

Tips and tricks on becoming a successful “crackhead”

By: The Angry Pharmacist, RPh

Becoming a successful “crackhead” and inflicting sadist pain upon your pharmacist is not an easy task.  However with these short yet useful tips you shall have your pharmacist begging you to never return.

  1. To be a successful crackhead, you must reduce your brain-cell count to above invalid, but way less than average.  Blunt instruments, large amounts of alcohol, illegal drugs, huffing paint, drowning, and other similar brain-reducing acts will aid you in your journey.  The goal of this exercise is to develop the skill (either learned or by trauma) of not grasping simple concepts like numbers.  This important skill will aid you in later tips.
  2. Think of a month as not 30 days, but a random number of days between 10 and 25.  Most medications will have warnings that say that it must last one month.  However if YOUR month is only 13 days, it means that obviously you can take more than what is prescribed on the bottle.  This is YOUR medication after all, so it gets to play by YOUR rules and thereby YOUR month.
  3. Reading directions is for chumps and nerds.  You take your medication the way that YOUR body tells you.  YOUR body makes the rules that YOUR drugs have to follow.  If your body needs 10 Soma a day, than so be it!
  4. Who’s in the boss? Not Tony Danza, YOU are the boss!  Who’s in charge? Charles is NOT in charge, YOU are in charge!
  5. Don’t use proper terminology or pronunciation when referring to your drugs.  Everyone says “Soma” or “Vicodin”, but having you refer to your medication as “SOMAS”, “VICO-DANS”, “DAN SOMAS”, or “WATSONS 389” makes you really stand out in the pharmacists eyes.  Nothing says “I know my pain pills” than reciting the NDC number on that bottle of Watson vicodin.
  6. Develop some good stories.  “My medication was lost or stolen” is so 1990’s.  You need to think of some good stories to feed to your doctor and pharmacist so they will feel sad for you.  It helps if you learn to sob on command, or come into the pharmacy loaded so they can really see how much pain you are truly in.
  7. Have a black cloud of bad luck encompass you always.  Be the unluckiest person on the planet.  Have anything and everything happen to your pain-pills (but not your high blood pressure pills!).  Martians came and a meteor hit your vicodin bottle!  Go for the gusto!  If you’re loaded while you mumble this story it makes it more realistic (at least to you) thereby making you tell it better!  Remember, YOUR story plays by YOUR rules, and YOUR pain-pills make YOUR rules!
  8. Only chumps get all 90 Soma at one time.  Split that Rx up!  Even though you have $5 in your pocket, it should get you at least 3 of the 90 soma you are allowed every month.  Dont worry about such trivial things such as money management, saving for the whole 90, or the added work your pharmacist goes through.  Remember, YOUR money plays by YOUR rules and YOUR shitty 4 tablet partial fills make YOUR rules!
  9. Transfer early, transfer often!  Nothing says confusion than getting a partial fill on your pain pills and having 5 fills of 10 tablets splattered across 7 independants and 3 chains!
  10. PAY CASH!  Only chumps use insurance for their pain-pills!
  11. Money management? Throw all that shit out the window.  You need to piss away your welfare check like its burning a hole in your pocket.  In fact, you have to be so bad that you have to prepay for your soma that’s due TOMORROW or you’ll spend that $30 on something else.
  12. Avoid chains!  Their computers are all linked up via magic so they know how much other stores have given you!  Go for the mom-and-pop shops!
  13. Become an active part in your treatment, call the pharmacy every 10 mins to see if the doctor OK’d the early refills.  Nothing says “I take my life seriously” than being on top of your medication refill requests.  It doesn’t matter if you don’t remember calling 10 mins ago because you were loaded, YOU ARE TAKING CHARGE OF YOUR TREAT-.. what was I saying again? Oh, TREATMENT!
  14. Fax machines can break, make sure you call the doctors every 10 mins to see if they received your early fill request from the pharmacy.  Doctors LOVE patients who are active in their treatment.  Remember, YOUR name is on your early-refill call-tag so it plays by YOUR rules!
  15. Catch fibromyalgia!  That shit is the golden ticket to Watson-Wonka’s Narcotic Factory!  If you catch fibromyalgia you can get ANYTHING!  Plus pharmacists and other health care people LOVE IT when you talk about how bad your fibromyalgia is.
  16. Take up acting!  Don’t limit yourself to the “OH JESUS IM IN SO MUCH PAIN” once you hit the pharmacy doors, but also practice it as you walk through the parking lot.  Nothing says that you’re in “OH SWEET JESUS” pain like stumbling and shuffling about in the parking lot AND in the pharmacy.  If you cannot sustain the act for long enough, make sure the sneaky pharmacy doesn’t have cameras outside to record you acting normal only to be hit by the “OH JESUS PAIN” stick once you cross into the store.
  17. Wait until the very last second before bringing in your prescription to your pharmacy.  If the pharmacy closes in less than 2 min, you obviously didn’t wait long enough.  Everyone knows that at the end of the day, when doctors and staff have left, pharmacists cant check on those 5 refills that you circled on that Rx from the ER!  Have a DATE to be LATE!
  18. Invest in a good variety of pens, or look to see what kind your doctor uses.  You can never be too careful when forging that “ES” after the vicodin or the extra “0” after the quanity of “10”.
  19. Be vocal!  The pharmacists obviously have to do what YOU want them to do, and like cheap labor the louder you yell the faster they work!

Following these simple guidelines will secure your spot in the community!