Angry Tweets for 2010-12-31

  • HURRY PLEBS! ASK FOR ALL YOUR REFILLS RIGHT NOW(TM) BECAUSE YOUR CARD EXPIRES TOMORROW! HURRY HURRY! #
  • Hi! Regardless of what you tell me, there is no "standing order for antibiotics" in retail pharmacy. #
  • Pt: "Oh just fill it my doctor gave me a standing order" Me: "Then why did he circle 0 refills?" #
  • Should my weapon of choice for the 1st be a hatchet, a meat hook, a sharpened counting spatula or a ball-peen hammer #
  • Your elaborate story about losing your meds isnt as good when im staring at the note that your insurance expires on 1/1/11 #
  • 4th pt today whining about lost/stolen/vacation early fills. Gee, maybe you shouldn't of dropped the ball mr no-insurance as of 1/1/11 #
  • Dear Doctor: Face it, you dont decide what drug the patient gets – their insurance does. You can want until your head explodes. #
  • I realize that your insurance wont pay for a bra, but tits sagging around your waist is just fucking disgusting. #
  • Wait, your insurance expires in 2 days and you're screaming at me because you can't get a 90 day supply filled "RIGHT NOW" (too early)? #
  • Your tears wont magically put in an early fill prior-auth and have it approved RIGHT NOW. They have a better chance of curing cancer. #
  • I think I'm going to get Taco Bell tonight. Ive been way too kind on my GI tract lately. #
  • Oh yeah, Taco bell and a mag citrate from work. Time for history to repeat itself! #
  • Wow, I need to get on MediCal so I can afford a new Benz. (Yes, its his, i asked him) #

Angry Tweets for 2010-12-30

  • Its always peaceful to get here before opening, yet dreadful as you wait for the chaos to start #
  • So if Colcrys copay-assistance coupons are void in MA, guess URL just fucked an entire state with their greed #
  • Im so angry (go figure) at Colcrys / Qualaquin bullshit. Lets just pull ASA for lack of efficacy/safety studies while we're at it. #
  • Gee, lets wait in the ER for an Rx for Robatussin DM and sudafed. What did people EVER DO without ER rooms? #
  • The E shouldn't be for Emergency, It should be "I have a cold" room. 99% of Rx's are NOT emergencies. #
  • There are a lot of fucked up people in this world, and they all are attracted to my store like flies on shit. #
  • Nobody has offered me a rolex for advertising on my site. I'm disappointed. #
  • Something creepy about a guy demanding a refill on his vicodin early and his eyes dont point straight + no teeth in his mouth. #
  • Wow. Guy just yelled at me because he drove ALL THE WAY HERE to find out he has 0 rf. As if it wasnt ON HIS FUCKING BOTTLE #
  • Its sad when this simple note I wrote on a refill request will be completely misunderstood by the person who has the power to write Rx's #
  • All the smart doctors must be off this week. I didnt know a simple answer to a Yes/No question was a scribbled signature. #
  • Patient refused to P/U rx D/T $30 copay. Then the doctor calls me 5 mins later and gives me both barrels as to why it wasn't dispensed! #
  • I gave the doctor a choice of two drugs that are covered. She wrote in some drug in the same class thats not covered. *headdesk* #
  • Why is telling me your fucking name such a mental task for you? #
  • If this guy was any dumber he'd be in the hospital with sepsis for eating his own feces. #
  • If my last name were Kauk, I'd totally be an OB/GYN #
  • Wait, so you denied the syringes but OK'd the Lantus? Let me cut myself open and dump some lantus in. #

An Xmas poem that beats the shit out of mine

This is taken from Apothecary Tales.  Its too well written and too funny to have me just skip over it:

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
All the crackheads were stirring, much like a crackhead mouse
The Promethazine poured, from the bottle with care
In hopes that St. Codeine, would bring plenty to share
The crackies then nestled while withdrawing in their beds
When visions of methadone danced in their heads
Mama in her mu mu and daddy in a wife beater
Just cooked up crystal meth on top of their heater
When from downstairs arose such a clatter
Daddy sprang from his bed to see what was the matter
Away to the stairs he ran like a cheetah
Fell over his pants and swallowed Viagra
The moon on the breast of the Kentucky Fried Chicken
Gave daddy the munchies as he entered the kitchen
When what to his wondering eye should appear
But a large ass bottle of Suboxone was near
With a little old taste, so delicious and quick
Dissolved under the tongue and downed with a drink
More rapid than acid, his prescriptions then came
And we he whistled and shouted, and called them by name;
Now Valtrex! Now Soma! Now Focalin and Concerta!
On Oxys! On Percs! On, Valium and Xanax!
From the top of the window to the top of the wall
Get me high, get me high, get me high y’all!
As colors before the wild hallucinations occur
Daddy’s body convulses before it hits the floor
So up then gets mommy and grabs and Epi-pen
In order to revive daddy to play with St. Codeine again
And then in a twinkling, they heard at the door
Some neighbors came over, looking to score
Daddy got dressed in a coat made of fur
Got the Purple Drank ready and danced on the floor
A bundle of narcotics daddy had flung on his table
Snorting the Oxy’s, all were willing and able
His eyes, how they glazed over!
His dimples how merry!
His pupils rolled to the back of his head, shit just got heavy!
His drool from his mouth was foaming like a dog
And the beard on his chin was getting all clogged
The stump of a crack pipe he held in his teeth
And the pattern of piss circled his pants like a wreath
He had a pale face, used to have a lead belly
Which now caused his coma and made him poop out brown jelly
He was skinny and dirty, a right scummy-ass dude
Everyone laughed when they saw him, smelly with an attitude
A twitch in his eye and turn of his head
His tongue flopped on out, we all knew he was dead
He spoke not a word, but there was still a party to go
It was mommy’s turn to snort, this time some blow
And laying a finger on the side of her nose
Line up another one bitches, I’m now a single ho!
She sprang to her feet and gave her husband a look
Then thought of all the drugs she still had to cook.
But I heard her exclaim, as she snuck out of sight
Merry Christmas motherfuckers I’m getting my “OC’s” on tonight!

Angry Tweets for 2010-12-25

  • Tech: "You wouldn't say Lantuii, its 2 bottles of lantus, you wouldnt say 15 cozaars" Me: "WHERE ARE MY 60 VICODANS!" Tech: Touche' #
  • Awww skeet skeet skeet skeet skeet! #
  • Oh the 5th day of Crackmas my pharmy gave to me, 5 VIKE-O-DAAAAAAAAANS! #
  • I have the 12 days of Crackmas written. Be afraid, be very afraid. #
  • Got "Twas the night before Crackmas" written too. #

We wish you a merry Crackmas!

Here are a few things that I have written to celebrate the overly-medicated holiday season:

The 12 days of Crackmas:

On the twelfth day of Crackmas, my pharmy sent to me: Twelve Prior Auths,
On the eleventh day of Crackmas, my pharmy sent to me: Eleven Screaming Patients,
On the tenth day of Crackmas, my pharmy sent to me: Ten Grape Drank,
On the ninth day of Crackmas, my pharmy sent to me: Nine Viagra,
On the eighth day of Crackmas, my pharmy sent to me: Eight Valium,
On the seventh day of Crackmas, my pharmy sent to me: Seven Tussionex,
On the sixth day of Crackmas, my pharmy sent to me: Six Xanax,
On the fifth day of Crackmas, my pharmy sent to me: Five VIKE-O-DAN,
On the forth day of Crackmas, my pharmy sent to me: Four DAN soma,
On the third day of Crackmas, my pharmy sent to me: Three OC 80’s,
On the second day of Crackmas, my pharmy sent to me: Two Percocet,
And a pissed off Pharmacist!

The night before Crackmas:

Twas the night before Crackmas, when all thro’ the store
Not a creature was stirring, except the neighborhood whore;
The C2 were locked up in the safe with care,
In hope that St. CrackClaus soon would be there;
The crackheads were all asleep and unconscious in their beds,
While visions of Suboxone danc’d in their heads,
And my tech in her smock and I with a frown,
Had just put my 5th of Jack Daniels down –
When out in front of the store arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my ranting to see what was the matter.
Away to the gates I flew like a flash,
To see that toothless whore pocket some cash.
The spunk on the breast of the happy hooker,
Even in my drunken haze she was not a good looker;
When, what to my wondering eyes should I see,
But a minitature crackhead and eight 80mg OC’s,
With his bottles of pills and not a tooth in his maw,
I knew for a moment it must be St CrackClaus.
More rapid than a crackhead spending his cash on the first,
He yelled and stammered and threw me a curse:
“Now! Vicodin, now! Soma, now! Xanax and Diazepam!
“On! Suboxone, on! Percocet, on! Oxycontin and Lorazepam!
Since TAP is tired of translating this long rhyme,
He will wish you all a good Xmas, and to have a good time!

Merry Christmas to All!  May all your early refill wishes come true!

Im leaving town right now, will it be ready in 10?