An open letter to my patients.

Dear patient standing in front of me.

Yes, I mean you.  You standing at the counter eye-fucking my forehead.  Listen, I’m sorry its taking so long to fill your prescription.  I mean you’ve been standing there for a whopping 5 mins not including the time it took my girls to verify that all of the information is correct in our computer system.  I’m very sorry that its taking so long to bill your insurance, be it that you left your card at home a whole 5 min drive away and refuse to get it.  I really wish I could make your day happier, but regrettably I can’t stay in business if I dispense $400 worth of medication to you without some sort of guarantee of payment, and I can probably safely guess that your credit-card won’t be able to take that hit (if you even brought it with you).  Yeah, I hear your sighing as if its some huge inconvenience we are putting you through by actually making sure we get paid for this drug, not to mention checking to see if they will actually kill you or not.  Whats your rush? The 5 other patients that you managed to cut in front of don’t act the way that you do.  In fact, I’m sure your actions have brightened their day as much as you have brightened mine.

I really wish you could see it from my perspective, getting paid $5 over the cost of the medication only to be screamed at because you don’t feel you should have to pay your share of the cost that equates to about a 97% discount for you.  I wish you could see yourself acting like a spoiled child who didn’t get brand name frosted flakes because your mother is on a tight budget.  In fact, I wish your mother slapped some manners and common courtesy into you growing up.

When you snatch that bag out of my clerks hands and storm off like we just pissed in your cornflakes it sucks, not for you but for us.  We work hard to help you, and to be quite honest, we can only do the best we can with what we are given.  In your case you gave us nothing to work on, no information, no help.  Im sorry my crystal ball isn’t working properly today so your prescription took a bit longer than expected.  Your attitude ruined our day, because we have that feeling that we could have done something different to make you less angry, like rub your feet or give you a lapdance.

So I’m sorry patient who is screeching his tires as you leave the parking lot in anger, Im sorry we took so long to fill your prescription.  I hope we can do it better next time.

Oh, and go fuck yourself you worthless sack of shit.

Sincerely,

Your Pharmacist.

Angry Tweets for 2012-05-12

  • The anthem for today boys and girls: http://t.co/VtQT8vBm #
  • My Soma brings all the boys to the store, damn right its cheaper than yours, I'll fill it early but i'll have to charge. #
  • Fuck, my soma did bring all the boys to the yard, now I wish they would go away and stop yelling at me. #
  • My goal today, drink a gallon of chocolate milk. My purpose today, to not shit myself after said gallon is gone. #golytely #
  • No word yet from @Lexi_Comp still keeping my hopes up! #
  • What the hell, I give @Lexi_Comp tons of twitter entertainment and they cant even hook me up for free advertising? 🙂 #
  • Heh @TheBKBJ: "You just want to say that you're officially sponsored by @Lexi_Comp " … Me: "Yeah, actually, I do." #

The FDA obviously hates the public and needs to lay off the crack pipe.

Submitted by a shitpot full of people, the FDA has gotten this wonderful idea to allow people (read: idiots) to buy Rx prescriptions OTC using a kiosk rather than a Doctor to issue the Rx.

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2012/apr/29/fda-may-let-patients-buy-drugs-without-prescriptio/?page=all

The jist of the article (for those too lazy to read it), is that you would go to a kiosk, and via a handy flow chart be able to obtain an Rx for antibiotics (!!) hypertension medication, cholestrol medicine, etc without seeing a doctor.  Your helpful pharmacist would help you from then on out.  Yeah, as if that’s going to magically make you become more compliant.  I’ll get right on that after my job as the vicodin-police, insurance agent, and your personal fucking nanny are done.

Lets take a journal into sarcastic TAP-land:

I think this is a completely fucking great idea!  We all know that Rx medications are completely safe, require no professional monitoring, and can cause no harm to the patient.  I mean who in the fuck cares if your potassium goes through the roof when you’re on an ACE-I, or if you get rhabo while on that statin.  This whole Rx concept is obviously a cartel plot by the medical industry to milk you out of copay money to line the pockets of BMW driving doctors as they light their cigars with your crisp $100 bills gotten from your copays.  Its not like those doctors know any more than the crackhead off the street…..

Shit, this whole idea of people just making shit up at kiosks to get a truckload of antibiotics is such a good idea!  We all know that antibiotic resistance is just a big fucking lie made up by the pharmaceutical industry so they can push their ‘newer’ expensive antibiotics to leech the consumer dry.  In fact, all of medicine is a big fucking lie meant to milk you out of your hard earned cash.  See this MD/PharmD degree? Thats just made up letters that we got from a mail-order school.

Travelling back to real-life common-sense land:

This whole clusterfuck was meant to save the patient money they would have spent seeing a doctor.  Because thats SO MUCH FUCKING LESS than say a hospital admit because your potassium shot up to 12, your kidneys stopped working because you have renal issues and had to get that ACE-I, or because MRSA is eating your face off.  Not to mention the tons of other issues that come with taking A CONTROLLED FUCKING POISON that externally influences certain enzymes and receptors in your body thereby circumventing your body’s own natural regulation pathways.  Oh shit, you didn’t know that most (if not all) drugs did that? Actually I’m sure you probably thought medications were made from unicorn farts that magically made you better.

Here is a fucking great idea, why don’t you use your doctor to DIAGNOSE whats wrong with you, and have the pharmacist PICK OUT THE RIGHT MEDICATION.   I mean we all know that 90% of our time is just faxing the doctor for a drug change because its the insurance company, not your doctor who decides what drug you get.  Tell us whats wrong with you, any lab values that we might find useful, and let US pick out the most effective and affordable drug.  Pharmacists are immune to the drug-rep masturbation, we (for the most part) know our shit, and our ass is on the line with you by default if the shit goes south.  The hard cold fact is that MD’s are good at figuring out whats wrong with you, and WE are good at what drugs to use.  Same coin? Different side? Sound familiar?  Obviously not to the FDA.

If the APhA is all about this, its just more evidence that they are focused at planting new pharmacy trees while the retail pharmacist forest behind them is burning to the ground.  Why are they always ignoring what needs to be fixed in lieu of added work for no added money for us?

Oh, and if you are thinking “Well it works in Mexico”, take a second and think about what happens if you take something and die in Mexico.  Do you get to sue someone? Do you get compensation from the manufacturers? Nope, you get a dirt-nap and a “Oh thats too bad”.

But really, what the fuck do I know.  I just count by 5’s all day while watching Dr Oz and drinking coffee.