I hate the holidays.
There, I said it. We should take the Christ out of Christmas and throw in Crack. Call it Crackmas from here on out, because that is the kind of shit myself and other retail pharmacists need to deal with on a daily basis this time of the year. Soma and Norco are the reason for the season, and when you can’t take your fucking life or family any more, you need your pills.
The holidays, to me, are a really shitty time of the year. Let me sing you the song of my people and whine about why I wish tomorrow was Valentines day.
- Christmas started well before Thanksgiving this year. My co-workers, full of holiday fucking cheer, demanded we put on the 24/7 Xmas radio station for the “holiday season”. I’ve been listening to “holiday music” for 9 hours a day, 5 (sometimes 6) days a week, SINCE THANKSGIVING. I’m no longer dreaming of a White Christmas; I’m dreaming of a hot-tub, some fentanyl patches, some cocaine, some Viagra, and a bunch of fucking Thai hookers. I’m dreaming of tossing that fucking radio into a wood-chipper and doing a fucking victory dance as the parts rain down on my head (knowing my luck the speaker magnet would crack my skull). I’m dreaming of an ice-cold bottle of vodka and Simply Orange (no pulp) sitting in front of a roaring fire. I have grown to hate the 5 fucking Xmas songs that are remixed 100 times each and played on a gigantic fucking loop. Grandma got ran over by a reindeer because she put on Xmas music before Thanksgiving, thats why. Bitch had it coming.
- It gets dark early here, and for those of us who work behind the counter (and have access to the narcotic safe) that means it gets really scary once the sun goes down. You see, there are 2 ways to get a prescription medication filled in this country. With a prescription, or with a gun. Unfortunately, with the GunRx ™ there’s no quantity limit, no refill limit, everything is covered with 0 copay, and you get to self-serve. Most of the Indy’s (and a few of the chains) have already been hit in the last few months. Fortunately nobody has been hurt, only nerves rattled and holidays shattered by having a gun shoved in their face for a handful of narcotics. People want money this time of year, and oxycodone makes good stocking stuffers. Keep your local Pharmacist in your thoughts when it gets dark, because for some of us, we put our personal safety on the line to make ourselves accessible.
- On a lighter note; when it gets cold here, people (read: old people) decide that since they don’t sweat, they don’t need to shower. The smells range from cat-piss (because cat’s aren’t going to fucking piss outside in the cold, fuck that!) to what resembles like an onion wrapped in gauze and baking in the cavity of a chicken that’s been sitting in a car for about 2 months. I have no fucking idea what twisted part of my brain that description came from; but I must say, I’m pretty proud. People just don’t fucking shower, and its ALWAYS the little old confused lady with the dull cow-eyes who has to ask for the 10th month in a row what her hydrochlorothiazide is for. Ignore the simple fact she has been taking this since it was brand-name only. At this point you pull rank and make the new pharmacists go, or better yet send an Intern so they can have a “learning experience”.
- People, as a whole, have their asshole-dial set to 11 this time of the year. Yes, I get you are stressed from all that christmas shopping. However don’t complain that I am taking too long to fill your 20 Rxs (that you need RIGHT NOW) as you bitch to the crackhead next to you about waiting in front of Walmart 5 hours before they open so you can get $10 off a fucking TV. Then have the fucking balls to whine at me about why your copays are so high because you’re in the Medicare coverage gap. Everyone in retail is busy this time of year, I get it. Be part of the solution and shut your fucking face and stop being part of the problem. Usually these assholes get the price of their Soma raised. Merry fucking Xmas.
- Staffing can be a real issue this time of year. My coworkers deserve days off to be with their families (or take trips). Hell, they work with me for a living, they deserve a fucking medal and a parade once a year. This leads to short-staffing, which means the gaps need to be filled. This really isn’t a whine, just an observation, because I will gladly be a clerk for a day (or even come in on my day off) to give a hard-working employee some much needed time off with their family during the holidays (awwww).
- However, I am NOT a fan of stupid game shit like Secret Santa. Every fucking year we all draw names to play this stupid fucking game that just drips awkwardness and poor gift selection. This year the queen of festivities (ie: my tech) decided that we shall have no gift cards, and everyone needs to write what they want on a fucking secret santa list. My exact words to her were “What the fuck, why do you hate me and my fellow male coworkers, fuck this noise!”. THEN I was forced to write what I wanted. Well fuck, guess putting down “blowjobs” would be a bit out of line, so I left it blank. Then the smart-asses come out of the woodwork and put down “A life”, “A personality”, “A sense of humor” next to my name. When I am eventually forced to write something, I put something really vague down so someone asks me about it. That person, in 100% of the cases, drew me for secret santa.
Sitting here in my half-drunk state writing this, I can think of some reasons why I put up with this shit. It’s the little old ladies who come in just to bring you a Xmas card thanking you for all you did for them. It’s for the families who drop off a box of candy, or make you cookies. It’s the kids who made you something at school saying “thanks for making me better”. It’s the smiles and the thank-you and the Merry Christmas that make all the above seem sorta pointless and petty (except Secret fucking Santa, I fucking loathe that game).
So from my cold bitter angry heart to yours, I wish you the merriest of Crackmas and fuck Secret Santa.