Types of Patients, part cuatro-o!

Again, my own:

  • The Gang Banger: Comes out in full gang gear. Probably is packing more firepower than the coast guard. Makes you start to reach for the guns and the panic buttons. Then when you consult with him, you realize that he’s a really nice guy and that your store has been taking care of his mother for the past 30 years.

  • The Boob Rester: Always a very large, very ugly woman. Comes mouth-breathing into the pharmacy. Decided years past that bra’s were the devil, so her boobs sag to her waist and gently bump into each other as she waddles to the counter. Upon reaching the counter, she plops her mommy-bags down making a large “kerplop” sound. During the winter months (when you have the heater on) she starts to sweat making two puddles where her hidden midgets lay. Always has to show you whats growing under them. You hope you find a rare indian head penny or maybe some gold dab-loons tucked away under there but alas, only angry red under-boob-skin.

  • The Senile Old Fart: Should of gotten a dose of cyanide instead of a medicare card, this person comes in confused, confused, and wait, more confused. Decides it would be a good idea to put all of his/her medication in a big bowl for easy grabbing, only to forget what goes with what. Always calls in stuff 3.5 weeks early, and is always 5 months late getting things filled.

  • The Bagger: Person comes in with either a dirty plastic or paper bag and just hands it to you. Has about 200 bottles from 20 different pharmacies ranging from last week to that refill of Reserpine before it was taken off the market (like 25 years ago!) All the bottles have a film of yuck on them, and you ask your techs to read you the numbers. Gets angry when their Rx’s aren’t filled in 2 min’s or less.

  • The Nasty Tube Lady: This woman brings in a tube of miconazole vaginal cream (why must it always be vaginal creams!) that looks like the life has been sucked out of it. This tube is 1000% empty, and the label is clear from some sort of grease that has gotten underneath it and coats the first 2/3rds. You have a good idea where she stuck this tube to get the label nasty, but have no idea how she got every square ounce of cream out of it. Best handled with gloves, a clothespin or a tech you dont like. Resist the urge to smell the tube, you really dont want to know where its been.

  • ViagraMan: This happy fellow brings in an Rx for 20 viagra, then has you do a price quote for every damn quantity from 20 to 1. Then to make matters worse, he takes his Rx back and gets it filled someplace else.

    From Natalie in NY (shes got some good ones)
    The New Customer
    you have all seen it. the one who shows up at the pharmacy because they had their doctor fax over to you and is APPALLED to find that you do not have their information on file
    The Technology Nazi
    usually old, but not necessarily. the ones that call up and say “DON’T YOU HAVE IT IN YOUR COMPUTER” because we have some maaagical computer that tells me which “pink pill” you want refilled out of HCTZ, celexa, and ISMO. and by “pink” you actually mean “white” or “orange” because you are not currently taking anything pink.
    The Lonely Elder
    oh yes. my favorite. the old people that live alone and when they get the call from you to tell them their script is ready, they keep you on the phone for the next hour and a half telling you about their neighbor, the weather, their in-home nurse, the economy, the president, their dog, their cat, their slippers, their doctor, their teeth, their arthritis, their kids, their grand-kids, their GREAT grand-kids………..you get the point.
    The Wait-n-Stare
    almost always old. those that drop off their scripts and continue to stand at the drop-off watching you. you tell them it will be a few minutes and they continue to stand and stare, as if they haven’t heard a word you said (and most of the time, they really haven’t).
    The Old
    yes, they deserve their own category. those that still think pharmacists are druggists and they are all male. those that think that mercurachrome is still on the market somewhere. those that want some obscure herb supplement because their neighbor told them about it. Those that need to bring their 60-year-old children in to help them walk to the counters and explain in a loud voice EVERYTHING to them. those that can’t see, can’t hear, can’t walk and still pull out their car keys when walking away from the drop-off. those that wonder how long it could possibly take to “slap a label on a bottle.”
    The Large Purse Woman
    this is the woman that comes to the counter, says she has a prescription to turn in, puts her ungodly huge purse/sack/carry-on luggage on the counter and starts rummaging through it, pulling out things that dont even belong in a purse to find her script. papers, receipts, about 4 wallets, umbrellas, small pets and children….only to find a small wallet jam-packed with assorted money, papers, receipts, credit cards, pictures and has to sort through another mess for the next 3 minutes to find the script all while saying “i know its in here somewhere” because that will make me feel like standing here watching you is a great use of my time.
    The Space Invader
    now, our drop-off counter is about 2 and a half feet wide. it’s kind of hard to get in someones face over a 2 and a half foot counter, but people DO. those that decided that sprawling on my counter, putting their dirty greasy hands all over my counter, leaning over my counter to talk or to hand me a script is okay. its not. my counter is a no-touchy zone and y’all need to back off.
    The Know-It-All
    found most often in insurace issues. those that KNOW their copay is only $2 and that it CAN’T be anything different. we must be WRONG. those that know that the OTHER drug store had a lower copay (at which we just throw up our arms in dispair, give the script back, and let them go). those that will not admit when wrong.
    The Screw-Face
    you all know it. those that give you *that look* when things aren’t going their way. ie: we have to call your doctor to verify your script, your copay is more than $1, your 5-month-old script for amox is expired because you’re on medicaid, your wait time is more than 30 seconds (apparently the time it takes for you to slap a label on a bottle)
    The Valley Girl
    the 15-year-old gum-chewing, short shorts wearing, hair-and-makeup professionally done gal there to pick up her birth control or valtrex. usually found talking loudly on a cell phone about “OMG lyke did you SEE what she was WEARING”
    The Generic Hypochondriac
    yes. those that believe that their doctors told them NEVER EVER take a generic. the ones who need the spotted vicodin, the ones that have “bad reactions” to generic drugs (all of them). the ones who make you special-order Mevacor, Zestril, and Ventolin because the “other ones” just dont work.

  • 12 thoughts on “Types of Patients, part cuatro-o!”

    1. what about the “last-minuter”?
      the pharmacy closes at 9 pm – which means that i want to physically leave the pharmacy at 9 pm. you start to clean the bench and turn off the computer at 5 minutes till closing, knowing in your heart of hearts that you won’t be able to accomplish a battle with insurance, filling a prescription, and ringing the thing out plus counseling in the next 5 minutes. this person comes tearing into the pharmacy at 2 minutes until closing, breathlessly exclaiming that it’s an “emergency”. really? your birth control script from a month ago is an emergency? screw off. then you get the dirty hateful blank stare when you tell them you are closing and it will be ready for them tomorrow morning. if you’re lucky, they will threaten to tell your manager. if you’re unlucky (like me) they will send a fax filled with many correctly spelled words describing you in filthy terms. now, why was it again i should stay late for your self-created crisis? because i want to help people? yeah – people with real problems. it’s not my fault you couldn’t drag yourself here in a reasonable amount of time.

    2. The Drop and Runner~
      The patient that sees there is 4 people ahead of them in line at drop-off, 7 people in line at pickup and the line at drive thru is wrapped around the building. They take their Rx out walk past everyone else after standing in line for about 11 seconds and butt in front of everyone, say “Ill be back to get this tomorrow” and walks briskly out of the store.
      Sucks for them when they come back in the morning and hear “Im so sorry maam. you didnt leave your date of birth! if you want to wait 30 minutes we can get it ready for you”
      Then she (always a she) says “why will it take so long for you to slap a label on a bottle of Xalatan??”

    3. I have a stupid customer complaint…
      non-perscription customer
      The jerk that walks up to the counter and it will be any race, gender, or age and they throw the whole store on your counter while you are in the middle of counting 300 Ascol. People expect you to stop everything just so you can ring up their diet pills and 4 bags of hershey kisses, as well as kitty litter, goya coffee, and crossword puzzle books. Then they have the audacity to ask stupid questions about a stupid sale that you know nothing about because it is a pharmacy not the rest of the store. Then they decide that they want to pay $3 by check, then $15 by credit card, then the remaining $7 with a gift card. true accounts in my everyday life 🙂

    4. Here’s a good one for you.
      The One that Won’t Go Away-This lady (who used to be an LPN) has been my customer since opening the store 15 yrs ago. Always checking prices and trying to make me match W***World. Finally told her years ago that if I don’t make money I will close and she will have to use W*****World.
      See her in Sam’s on my day off. I have to avoid her because of a requiring a bathroom. She follows me into the bathroom, yells at me to hurry up and stands there talking to me while I’m sh***ing. All to tell me some gossip when I’mm done. Ever wonder why Michael Jackson is so nuts?

    5. I had someone tell me that they are allergic to sertraline the generic form of zoloft…I just kinda stared at her a min…and she made us change it back to the brand name…I still cant believe that…words do not describe my frustration…damn customers

    6. One way to teach the customers who think it only takes 30 seconds to slap a label on a tube of cream or to put some pills in a bottle: With the person still standing at your drop-off window, go to the nearest drug bay. Stand in front of the drug bay, facing them. Reach your arm around behind you (don’t even turn around) and grab a random bottle/tube of cream. Ask them if they’d like the one you have just grabbed. Of course, they’ll say no. They’ll tell you they want the ones the doctor ordered. But they will NEVER tell you to just put a label on it and/or put some pills in a bottle again.

      1. Love this blog. Had a horrible weekend shift where one of our regular patients just went completely batsh on me and was out for blood the minute they stepped to the counter (Surprising, right?) Reading all the stuff on here makes me feel a bit better.

        I had a pharmacist who did the exact same thing to a very nasty patient (the ones that hate the place with a passion yet still never hesitate to come back) back in the day when they still were able to get away with responding to customers like that (nowadays the district supervisor is all over customer complaints so he has toned it down a bit.) In response to the typical 15 minute wait-time the patient was told, his response was, “Well, how long does it take to slap a label on the bottle?”

        The pharmacist reached around, grabbed a random bottle, dumped it out into a bottle, and slid it across the counter. I’ve never seen a patient look so dumbfounded and then ask how many refills he had left/how to take it. The pharmacist responded “Since you wasted my 15 minutes I could’ve spent making that label for you, that’s another 45 minutes for you.” and made him stand there for 45 minutes until he felt like verifying it out.

    7. How about the “wait until you have finished ringing and bagging everything up before getting out the checkbook and proceeding to take 10 minutes to write it” people? These are always the people who ask, Should I make the check out to “Big Box Chain” or “Big Box Chain Pharmacy?” When I always recommend “Just Big Box Chain” is fine, they glare at me suspiciously and proceed to write out, oh so slowly, “Big Box Chain Pharmacy.” Meanwhile, the 15 people behind them are aiming their plastic at the back of this person’s head and wondering how much damage they can inflict. And of course they always have to ask you to repeat 2 or 3 times what the total was (and it’s never an easy amount, like $15). ARGH!!!

    8. The ER RX: The patient who brings in an ER RX with 3 prescriptions on it, one being a narc. You fill all of them AND as you attemp to ring them out they then tell you they don’t want the other two but just the NARC. Then Bitch at you because they think you’re bullshitting them and then threaten you. Are you fucking kidding me, I dont know about other states but here you have to buy ALL of the RX’s on the ER script not just the NARC. Fucking people.

    9. Men shout into cellphones too, but only rich ones. It’s always about their high-powered job or their latest promotion. They know exactly how loud they’re being; they’re just starved for validation as Superior Beings. Very sad.

    10. what about the early birds

      the ones that are sitting in drive thru when you open the windows at 8 and are pissed cause the managers havent brought the drawer back. want to wait in drive thru while your fill their narcs. or swear to me their dr sent it over yesterday ” i saw him phone fax type somthing on his computer/ the secretary said it would be here and only got 3 dollars. the internet said there was a generic”
      better yet, the people that leave the drs office and b line it straight to my register and wonder why its not ready, or we havent received it yet. these people are almost always new customers with a 1000 dollar rx well have to order after we enter you into our system the insurance rejects it we spend three days asking the dr to prescribe something else or put a prior auth in place that is ultimately denied by insurance. now i am stuck with this super expensive unnecessary med it my pharmacy praying i can return it next month or ill eventually get to dispenss it

    11. You people are all assholes. You know there are some people out there who get out of the hospital with a real problem and come straight to the pharmacy to get their medicine. Then go home to put their feet up and rest cause they feel like crap. Quit being so judgemental and mean. You people have no idea what it is like to live around real addicts who push heavy drugs. So shut the fuck up. Yes some people have their problems but instead of making fun of them why not try to help them. You people need to make some changes in your life and start caring for people. What the fuck is wrong with the world these days.

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